it sure is quiet around these here parts...

sorry gang, for the lack of copiousness on TR. things have been super busy trying to finish up edit on an 88-minute movie about rock, paper, scissors.
but like Lord Voldemort, we will be back: bigger and better at an enormous pace.
bjh

where have all the good knock-knock jokes gone?

I haven't heard a solid knock-knock in years. I'm starting to get very suspicious. If anybody has any information about the possible whereabouts of the seemingly extinct knock-kock jokes, please alert the big-whigs of this website immediately. there are possible awards to be garnered.

be vigilant and show no haste.

top 25 fridays: "other" Michael Jacksons

where every friday we will delve, dissect and rank very important things.

today's top 25: famous "other" Michael Jacksons

(criteria includes: similarities to the white-gloved wonder, success within field and overall Michael Jackson-ness)

1. Michael P. Jackson - U.S. Deputy Secretary (in addition to a brief but wonderful stint as Deputy Secretary of the Department of Homeland security, this Michael Jackson hobknobbed his way into working for two presidencies (George H.W. Bush and Ronald "don't call me Pagan" Reagan. he eventually resigned effective October 26, 2007, "for financial reasons I can no longer ignore." apparently financial woes despite high-profile jobs is a theme among Michael Jacksons.)
2. Michael George Jackson – German Pop musician (a German born English singer-songwriter and the co-writer of the song, "Blame It on the Boogie". Jackson recorded and released his version of the song at the same time as The Jacksons. the press at the time enjoyed the similarity in the names and release coincidence, calling the situation 'boogie wars' as the two records jockied for chart positions. oh, how i miss the days of the boogie wars.)
3. Michael Ray Jackson – baseball relief pitcher (played with the Phillies, Giants, Reds, Astros, Mariners, Indians, Twins and White Sox. Jackson's best year in the majors was in 1998 with the Indians, saving 40 games with a 1.55 ERA. not the most athletic of the michael jacksons, but the most successfully athletic of the clan.)
4. Salman Raduyev (a.k.a. “Michael Jackson) - Chechen warlord (a Chechen separatist warlord considered to be one of the most radical and notorious Chechen rebel commanders of the period between 1994 and 1999. arrested in 2000, he died in a Russian penal colony in mysterious circumstances. in early 1999, Raduyev vanished from public again while undergoing a major plastic surgery in Germany, in effect acquiring a new face. The alleged implants of titanium earned him the nickname of "Titanic" in Russia, while in Chechnya he became popularly known as "Michael Jackson." nothing like a good nickname.)
5. Michael D. Jackson - post-modern New Zealand anthropologist (Jackson is the founder of existential/phenomenological anthropology, a sub-field of anthropology using ethnographical fieldwork as well as existential theories of being in order to explore modes of being and interpersonal relationships as they exist in various cultural settings throughout the world. urban legend claims that this apparently inspired the song “Man in the Mirror”)
6. Mick Jackson – director (directed the 1987 docudrama Life Story, with Jeff Goldblum and Tim Pigott-Smith. does anybody actually know what a docudrama is? better question: does anybody know why Jeff Goldblum isn’t helming a superhero series? Green Lantern anyone?)
7. Michael James Jackson - priest and Canon in the Church of England (i thought i'd be able to come up with a kickass Michael Jackson loves kids and priest loves kids jokes. but apparently i'm tapped. damnit. superbly disappointed with my AM creativity. damnit x 2.)
8. Michael Jackson - 18 December 1734 – 10 April 1801 – (soldier from Massachusetts. Wounded at bunker hill. but seriously, who wasn’t injured at bunker hill. hell of a bunker. and hill.)
9. Michael Jackson, Jr – son of #8 Michael Jackson (lived miserably in Sr.’s shadow)
10. Naea Michael Jackson - Niuean journalist and former politician (he published the Tohi Tala Niue, Niue's government-owned weekly newspaper. what's in a name, anyway?)
11. Michael Dwayne Jackson – former NFL Wide Receiver (fun fact: Jackson is a member of Alpha Phi Alpha, the first intercollegiate Greek-letter fraternity established for African Americans. throw that on his tombstone.)
12. Michael A. Jackson - Sheriff of Prince George's County, Maryland (pursuant to Maryland Common Law, Jackson's position as the elected sheriff makes him the senior law enforcement official of his jurisdiction and his authority overrides all others.)
13. Mike and Michelle Jackson - Australian children's singer, songwriter, musician, radio show hosts (mike taught himself harmonica in high school and acquired a taste comic songs from his grandfather and the radio. he branched out onto other instruments and acquired a reputation for being able to get a tune out of almost anything.
14. Michael Richard Jackson - British television producer and executive (notable for being one of only three people to have been Controller of both BBC One and BBC Two. Jackson was at times criticised for relying more on US imports than home-grown material, with Ally McBeal, The West Wing and Sex and the City all arriving at the broadcaster during his time there. wait. so the US actually does export something? intriguing...)
15. Michael Warren Jackson - another former Major League Baseball relief pitcher(played from 1970 to 1973 for the Phillies, Cardinals, Royals and Indians. Jackson finished his career with a 2-3 record and a 5.80 ERA.)
16. Michael (Mike) Jackson - Canadian actor (Jackson is most famous for his role as Trevor on the popular comedy series Trailer Park Boys and the unnamed pimp from Hobo With A Shotgun. i prefer pimps without names to pimps with names. personal prefence.)
17. Michael Jackson – Bishop (has bishopped the Church of Ireland Bishop of Clogher since 2002. His father, Roy Jackson, was an archdeacon.)
18. General Sir Michael Jackson - former head of the British Army (he served in the NATO chain of command as a deputy to the Supreme Allied Commander Europe, General Wesley Clark. in this capacity, he is best known for refusing, in June 1999, to block the runways of the Russian-occupied Pristina Airport, to isolate the Russian troops there. ballsy gent.)
19. Michael C. Jackson - a British systems scientist (currently Professor of Management Systems and Dean of Hull University Business School.)
20. Michael “Mike” Jackson – fictional character (a recurring fictional character in the early novels by British comic writer P. G. Wodehouse, being a good friend of Psmith. he appears in all the Psmith books. Mike is a solid, reliable character with a strong sense of fair play, but an appetite for excitement and a stubbornness that often leads him into trouble. he is a keen and talented cricketer, and comes from a cricketing family.)
21. Michael Derek Jackson – former basketball player (in his NBA career, Jackson played in 89 games and scored a total of 188 points. he was a member of Georgetown's 1984 National Championship team...where he had a first-hand face-to-face glimpse at Patrick Ewing's nostrils on a daily basis.)
22. Michael Jackson – alcohol enthusiast (an English writer and journalist. he was the author of several influential books about beer and whisky.
23. Michael Jackson – former football player (played linebacker for eight seasons on the Seattle Seahawks. Jackson is also very active off the field with several charities including the March of Dimes, Special Olympics, and the United Way. the linebacking philanthropist; the movie writes itself. franchise anyone?)
24. Michael J. Jackson - English actor (Jackson made several appearances in the television series Highlander: The Series in 1996-1997. fun fact: in 1999 Jackson attended the Chronicles 1999 Highlander convention in Birmingham, United Kingdom. he took part in a Question & Answers session along with other cast members.)
25. J. Michael “Mike” Jackson – politician (born 20 August 1953. he is a Republican member of the Texas Senate representing the 11th District.)

Michael P. Jackson now carries the proverbial "name torch" (pictured below)

top 25 fridays: steroid using baseball players

where every friday we will delve, dissect and rank very important things. 

today's top 25: steroid using baseball players

(criteria includes: statistical prowess, muscular bulbousness, latent ‘roid rage and general hypocrisy)

1. Rafael Palmeiro (a ton of players lied to congress under oath about not using steroids. but palmeiro takes the cake for not being deemed “good” enough a ballplayer to warrant perjury charges. bonus points awarded for killer mustache, inspiring viagra commercials and telling fans he would provide an explanation for his positive test and then simply just never speaking publicly again…the baseball-cheating equivalent of breaking up with a girl by saying we need to talk and then ignoring her calls)

2. Ken Caminiti (he died for the cause. that takes balls. albeit shrunken ones, but balls none the less)
3. Jose Canseco (the joe mccarthy of steroids, but if joe mccarthy wasn’t full of shit.)
4. Sammy Sosa (fluent English speaker while not in front of congress. flummoxed by the wiles of the English language while in front of congress)
5. Mark McGwire (he’d be the centerfold for Enormous Head magazine, if such a magazine existed…)
6. Barry Bonds (…but it will never exist, due to Seriously, Fucking Enourmous Head magazine featuring centerfold barry bonds)
7. Roger Clemens (first player to bring ‘roid rage to a ballpark near you; chucking a bat at mike piazza and then trying the play the “what? I was just cleaning the field”-card)
8. Alex Rodriguez (the best player in baseball history to have zero fans)
9. Miguel Tejada (claimed to have been born in 1976 but a Dominican birth certificate showed that he was born in 1974. that birth certificate also shows the spelling of his surname as "Tejeda" rather than "Tejada.” My heart goes out to anyone who owns a foolishly spelled “Tejada” jersey)
10. Gary Mathhews Jr. (one can only imagine how disappointed gary matthews sr. must be)
11. Ben Levy (kid from my high school. 95% sure he used. wish i had stolen a sample of his urine from a sleepover to prove this once and for all. rumor has it he’s now a guidance counselor for a school somewhere in connecticut. way to go, ben!)
12. Manny Ramirez (player who looks most like the predator from the movie the predator. now lives in state where Schwarzenegger is governor. coincidence?)
13. Jason Giambi (nicknamed "the giambino," "the big g," and "the dancing bear." why would anyone not want to call him "the dancing bear?")
14. Paul Lo Duca (intimate bromance with steroid-provider chronicled in series of notes which include exclamation points and possibly invisible ink declaring “more than just bromance” feelings)
15. Andy Pettitte (proof that honesty is the best policy. check that; honesty and winning 4 world series is the best policy.)
16. Rick Ankiel (headcase pitcher + steroids = loveable power hitter)
17. Benito Santiago (definitely the best name of any steroid user. so fun to repeat. recommended to be included in any tongue twister.)
18. Brady Anderson (went from 16 homers to 50 yet is never publicly accused. i smell conspiracy? or is he protected because of his heart-throb sideburns and his cameo on sabrina the teenage witch?)
19. Jim Leyritz (from ‘roid rage to road rage to vehicular manslaugher to suicide threats. what's next? bated breath over here...)
20. Lenny Dykstra ('roided his way to the hall of fame…the douche bag hall of fame)
21. Scott Schoeneweis (most games ever pitched by a jewish pitcher. doing his best to proudly represent the chosen people)
22. John Rocker/Danny McBride (mcbride’s humor is like comedy on steroids – humungous and abrasive. so of course he’d play john rocker in john rocker story dubbed “east bound and down.” both guys have an, er, magical way with words) (this “two for one” courtesy of EW)
23. Gary Sheffield (“during a workout with barry bonds in 2001, a cream was applied to sheffield's knee by a trainer to help heal ripped stitches from a knee surgery. sheffield states in his book, Inside Power, that he had no knowledge of the cream containing steroids, and had no reason to assume so at the time.” wait. sheffield wrote a book? dude knows how to write? okay, fine, he probably hired a ghostwriter. but still…dude knows how to hire a ghostwriter?)
24. Matt Franco (the nephew of Kurt Russell juiced up for his own little escape from new york)
25. Ozzie Canseco (jose’s identical twin took sibling rivalry to the next level as both vied for steroid supremacy)
notable small ballplayers who suddenly bulked up and then just as suddenly bulked down: Brett Boone, Nook Logan, Greg Zaunn
notable guy who you should boo if you ever see him in public: Eric Gagne

why dreams sucks...

sometimes I have a really bad dream (i.e. nightmare, embarassing moment replayed, horrifying sexual fantasy involving model airplanes) and when i wake up i'm still riled up and upset from this terrible unconscious experience.

but then sometimes i have a totally awesome dream (i.e. infinite-sized house, swimming pool filled with foreign currency, dating a female leprechaun) and when i wake up i get riled that it wasn't real and i get upset about this wonderful unconscious experience.

that's why i try to shoot for mediocre dreams (i.e. waiting IN line at starbucks). but usually it doesn't work. and that's why dreams suck. (thanks for the correction, Cindy. Grammar is usually my most attractive quality.)

what rocks? (pajamas)

Pajamas
(like a blanket…that you wear)
(popular clothing choice among bananas)

why they rock: it’s a scientific impossibility to put on pajamas and not be happier than you were before putting them on. whether nightwear, daywear, or the rarely used formalwear, pajamas are synonymous with feelings of warmth, euphoria and endless childhood. 

why else they rock: for further proving the brilliance, innovation and dominance of english-speaking nations. according to myth/wikipedia, the original paijama are loose, lightweight trousers fitted with drawnstring waistbands of south and west asia descent. enter the english: in typical bigger, better, badasser fashion, they add a top to the ensemble and re-invent the wheelhouse of pajamas to refer to a two-piece garment of exceptionally soft caliber. the highly-evolved pajamas prove way superior to the amoebic paijama. 

seriously, what’s the deal with their rocking: The Pajama Bar and Lounge is the ultimate late night hangout, where hip manhattanites congregate to relieve their 9 to 5 or more likely 9 to 9 woes with a bottle of beer, a room full of tunes and show up comfortably dressed in their most favorite and stylish pjs. unfortunately for the world, this place does not yet exist but the good people at tyranny rocks are looking forward to receiving your investments and advice on how to make this utopia a reality. 

top 25 fridays: best sly stallone movies

where every friday we will delve, dissect and rank very important things.

today's top 25: best sylvester stallone movies

(criteria includes depth of character, depth of character name, plausability of story-arc, asskicking and slow-motion action scenes)

1. demolotion man (taco bell is the only restaurant left after "the chain wars!" sex without touching!! commercial jingles have replaced radio!!! and bonus points for referring to the Schwarzenneger presidency)
2. rocky (the prequel to rocky II)
3. rocky IV (best training montage ever)
4. first blood (top action flick about a mentally unstable vietnam war vet with an awesome name)
5. cliffhanger (eat your heart out, passenger 57 and under siege)
6. tango & cash (an invincible buddy flick. great use of ampersand in title)
7. victory (stallone nixed the idea of using a professional player as a double for the game sequences. because of this, he seperated his shoulder and broke a finger).
8. stop or my mom will shoot (stallone's foray into family comedy)
9. nighthawks ("wulfgar, an international terrorist holds the city of new york hostage, but Deke DaSilva, the most dangerous cop known to man, can take him down." Sly proves to be only actor with chops to pull of name "Deke")
10. rocky II (apollo creed finally bites the dust)
11. over the top (underdog movie + arm wrestling + over the top acting + over the top title = classic)
12. rocky III (the forgotten middle child of rocky movies)
13. cobra ("crime is a disease. meet the cure." voted most likely to have a sequel but did not)
14. rambo (in the reboot, sly proves he's like a fine wine: better with age, and sounds kinda drunk)
15. rambo II/III (blurred into one long, forecefully badass, cool, gorey action film)
16. daylight (there's nobody i'd rather be trapped in a tunnel underground with than my main man)
17. F.I.S.T. (johnny kovak is a great stallone movie name. and F.I.S.T. is a great acronym)
18. assasins (stallone v. banderas. the roe v. wade of assasin movies)
19. oscar (when sylvester does comedy we laugh. or else...)
20. copland (amazing cast that goes nowhere. like the yankees with a-rod)
21. judge dredd (sick of being typecast as a cop, sly plays a futuristic cop)
22. paradise alley (apparently, directing was such a new job to Stallone on this project that several times, cast and crew were in position, ready to do their jobs but they could not. they could not because Stallone would forget to yell, "Action."
23. rocky balboa (good beginning, okay middle, terrible ending, godawful post-movie conversation)
24. driven/the specialist/get carter (the same barely watchable movie)
25. rocky V (garbage. but even garbage can be redeemed with a sweet roman numeral)
worst movie ever: antz


dare you disagree? comment below and give us your best...

belated new years resolutions (6/11/09)

-climb mount everest. twice
-start rumor about secret 8th harry potter book
-start online dating service which only features people's old baby photos
-stare coldly at people who eat on the subway
-find ways to incorporate a magnifying glass into my daily life
-convince friend to buy not one, but two dogs. convince friend to name dogs "beebop" and "rocksteady"
-figure out how to create an iced-tea, iced-coffee combo. (market widely as iced-coftea)
-pioneer edible suntan lotion movement
-acquire chicken pox and infect brother. when he gets terribly sick, smile at him and say "now we're even"
-learn cartography and impress strangers by using the word latitutde in context