what rocks? (the brothers malina)

the amazing malina brothers!*^
(josh & alfred malina; more than just "actors")
(*not officially related)
(^also, alfred is actually a mOlina…but close enough).

why they rock: though neither is technically american (alfred is european, josh is intellectual), the brothers malina remain staples in the american film and television landscape, possessing what hollywood insiders, social outsiders and greek historians commonly refer to as "the midas touch." every project they touch turns to metaphorical gold. between them their portfolio boasts some of the best endeavors of the past couple decades. ever heard of indiana jones? what about a few good men? boogie nights, the da vinci code, spiderman 2, the larry sanders show, ladies man, sports night or the west wing ring a bell? a stellar roster indeed, but arguably more important is their lack of bombs, stinkers and duds. you’d be hardpressed to find either roaming through the backdrop of a bad project, a true rarity in this blockbuster age. the point is, if you’re watching a movie or tv show and one of the malina brothers prances across the screen, you’re probably going to have a pleasant viewing experience. and that counts for a lot. 

why else do they rock: because acting is a real ballbreaking business, especially when you constantly elicit the following response to some degree "wait, how do i know that guy? didn't we go to high school together? yeah, we did, i think, and didn't he date my sister. man, i was so mad at the time. why was i so protective of her? I mean, she was and still is a cute girl." not exactly the impression you hope to make as an actor or human being. and upon rereading that tangential quote i notice that it seems relatively condescending; to compare a lifetime of one’s achievement to a face from a high school year book. it isn’t intended as condescending, though. on the contary, actually. there is something immensely lighthearted about remembering acquaintances from yesteryear; they infuse us with comfort, nostalgia, and a sly private smile. and, in a strange way, that’s what the brothers malina do for us. we remember them, from somewhere, some time, someplace unknown. they make us appreciate that rare feeling of having a vague idea on the tip of our tongues. they are memorable, but not too memorable. 

seriously what's the deal with their rocking: the brothers malina live and act in obscurity. even their biggest fans are guilty of referring to them as “doctor octopus” or “that smart guy from sports night” (or, “that smart guy from west wing, no, that’s rob lowe, no that’s bradley whitford, no, the one that has glasses, no, toby didn’t have glasses…). obscurity isn’t typically a desired quality and I’m sure to some degree both wish the dice had rolled differently, that they had men with enormous pecks, blue steel expressions and leading man status. but I submit that if they did have these things, we would hate them. because that’s exactly what we like about them, everything that they are not while still being more than just anti-heroes. what makes the brothers malina so irresistible is their seeming level of attainability. every time they steal a scene or paralyze us with a magnificent monologue, we feel like we are the only ones noticing this greatness. we feel special, too, to notice their specialness and that makes them attainable to us. we get them, or at least we think we do. sure, we all acknowledge that clooney and pitt live in a different universe than us, but the brothers malina seem to inhabit our same confines of reality. we can’t help but feel as though our paths may cross. they probably won’t, but they might. and might counts for a lot these days. it’s very much like the recent shift in the porn industry; more and more people now prefer to watch a “regular” girl strip in front of a shaky handheld camera, than watch jenna jameson diddle the delivery boy and other such malarkey. the brothers maline are not Debbie Does Dallas; they are this girl whose name we think is Debbie from a place that looks like dallas and who, if we met on the street, we might just have a chance. 

are you an arrested development fan? Firefly? Freaks & Geeks? 

well clearly you enjoy the bandwagon of cancelled television shows. so if you haven’t seen “sports night,” check it out immediately. and, as a bonus, if you tell people you love it (regardless of veracity) you shall receive the same street cred as persons who say "bottle rocket is my favorite wes anderson movie."  

if you want the street cred without all the hard work, here’s a quick clip of josh in action: 

an incomplete list of american actors who the brothers malina should be more famous than:
-charlie sheen
-jonah hill
-keanu reeves
-george from grey’s anatomy
-anyone from the cast of heroes
-james van der beek
-jonah hill (intentionally included twice)
-llih hanoj (read backwards)

an incomplete list of italian actors who the brothers malina should be more famous than:
-robert benigni

an incomplete list of martian actors who the brothers malina should be more famous than:
-marvin the martian

your monday snippet (YMS)

do monkey businesses have an MR department (monkey resources)?
if not, then who fires the slackers?

what rocks? (carmen sandiego)

carmen sandiego
(ringleader of V.I.L.E.)
(crime vixen with an absurd amount of frequent flier miles)

why she rocks: since 1985, carmen isabella sandiego has been scampering around the globe, pilfering the world’s greatest relics, eluding agents from the esteemed ACME detective agency and then snickering in their faces. she’s cocky, crooked and cackle-some; she’s the whole package and after 24 years still remains at large. one is almost forced to wonder if, after 2.4 decades of failed attempts to apprehend a fictional femme-fatale, what chance do we really have at cornering mr. bin laden.

why else she rocks: what separates carmen from the other criminal kingpins of our generation (other than her gender) (and her most excellent trenchcoat) (and that sneakily stylish fedora) (oh, and also the eccentric habit of primarily recruiting goons with pun names like patty larceny, vic the slick and double trouble (twins)) is her motivation for wreaking havoc. few people realize (or more likely “remember”) that carmen used to be an ace detective for ACME but quickly found catching criminals too easy and decided that outsmarting ACME itself would make for a greater challenge. clearly she doesn’t do it for the glitz, the glamor, the money, the treasures, the video game royalties or the gameshow created in her honor, carmen does it for one reason and one two-word reason only: the thrill. 

seriously, what’s the deal with her rocking: not just anyone can start an international, unstoppable crime ring with a cool acronym. it takes stealth, smarts and most importantly it takes money. and for this reason, ms. sandiego is the embodiment of the american dream. as a girl with modest upbringings, carmen was noted for her dazzling redhair and severe precociousness. when she was ten years old, she parlayed these assets into entry on a game show called It’s a Wise Child (for those non-Catcher salinger fans, who some call the “true salinger fans,” yes, she did indeed participate on the same program as seymour, franny, zooey and the rest of the lot. some even say she had a “thing” with buddy). on this game show she won a substantial sum of money. she invested this money in herself, using it to travel extensively around the world, studying the criminal world and then starting an expansive thievery corporation (that’s a band, right? if so; can someone remind me what they sing, again?). basically, she did exactly what Christian bale did in batman begins, except she used her knowledge and powers for evil. say what you will about evil, but her rags to riches tale should be an inspiration to us all, particularly girls, bumbling thieves and people with last names of cities in california.

how do you know when you’ve really hit it big?

when a bunch of really white dudes sing about you in acapella!

check it out:

a short list of the more improbable items that carmen thieved:
-the great wall of china
-the la brea tar pits
-the panama canal
-the dead sea
-old faithful
-the great barrier reef
-all of idaho’s potatoes
-paris’ fall fashion collection
-all of the george washington faces from all the $1 bills in all of the world
-the voices of the vienna boys’ choir.

a short list of the men carmen has allegedly dated:
-judd nelson
-richard greico
-lyle lovett
-dan cortese
-thomas crowne
-keyser soze
-chris hardwick
-mark paul gosselaar
-mr. big (from sex and the city)
-mr. big (the guy who sings “to be with you”)

what rocks? (staring contests)

staring contests
(window to the soul vs. window to the soul)

why they rock: when adults have a disagreement, they sue each other. when kids have a disagreement, they compete in a staring contest; it’s basically litigation for kids. which method of conflict resolution seems more civilized? do the kids know something we don’t? after all, didn’t neanderthals settle their disputes with lawsuits? I distinctly remember learning about a certain unfrozen caveman lawyer (we miss you, dearly, phil hartman). advantage: kids.

why else they rock: too much of ages 1 to 18 is ruled by jockdom. staring contests, however, offer a chance for the underdog, the “little guy,” the archetypical “spaz/loser/dork” to settle the score. perhaps even “get revenge.” perhaps also even “implement subconscious highly-skilled methods of mind-control and thought implantation.” winning a staring contest requires poise, cleverness, creativity and anger; four adjectives that “spaz/loser/dorks” never seem to be running short on. take that, quarterback of the football team. 

seriously, what’s the deal with their rocking: the controversy…staring contest enthusiasts are split into two camps: those believe blinking and making facial gestures to get your opponent to crumble is legal and those who believe blinking or any other kind of gimmick is absolutely illegal. if you can’t figure out which camp you belong to please take the following baseball themed test to determine your allegiance:

who do you believe is the true single-season homerun king of baseball?

a) barry bonds! (you support blinking)

b) mark mcGwire! (you support blinking)

c) sammy sosa! (you support blinking and also corked bats)

d) roger maris! (you are a purist and find blinking to be abominable)

e) hank aaron! (wrong record, dude)

f) babe ruth! (you are a meddlesome contrarian and most likely a yankee fan who is frustrated that there correlation between money spent and wins is a murky one)

starting to remember how awesome staring contests are?
want to “bone up” on how to win more of them?
Wikihow gives us 6 tips to dominating your next staring contest:

1. take a nice long blink and close your eyes tightly right before the contest begins. this will produce tears that your eyes will need to keep moist. (staring contests, like sex and brownies, depend a great deal upon creating moisture. therefore, watch out for sexaholics, sluts and pastry chefs). 

2. think of something really sad while staring at your opponent. this will help stop you from laughing or smirking. (if you’ve been repressing a crippling childhood trauma for the majority of your life, now’s the time to get your money’s worth!)

3. remember to relax. too much stress will cause you to strain your eye muscles and could lead to eye strain (if you can acquire some potent and affordable marijuana, you’re starting much closer to the finish line than your sober counterpart). 

4. open your eyes really wide during the contest and, when you think you are about to blink, open them even wider. this goes against your natural instincts, but will actually make your eyes water, thus keeping them most (again we return to moisture, and again we must return to the sex analogy. it’s likely that with tip #4, men will display a major competitive advantage; when you start to get really close, it’s time to jump into the metaphorical cold shower). 

5. time yourself in the mirror and see how long you can hold it for. remember, practice makes perfect! (if you get bored with the self-staring contest in the mirror, practice making out with yourself. if arod does it, you can too!)

6. when you are about to blink, squint and furrow your brow. Again, this will produce tears and help to keep you staring for longer. (okay, i’m beginning to realize the immense possibility that the kids who were best at staring contests are now most likely the best lovers; from an early age they exhibited a precocious and copious amount of discipline, dexterity, and durability. crap, this is mildly disconcerting; my childhood nickname was blinky.)

want to learn more about staring contests but don’t have the patience to sift through scholarly works or sit through a documentary? then check out “unflinching triumph” a mockumentary that explores the little-known subculture of professional staredown contests.

random acts of brilliance (charlie)

a typical saturday night until the following occurred...

“it was one of those unique situations where a deposit for urine was both direly needed and wholly unavailable. a group of us were on a roof deck, awaiting our hosts, when the last few rounds of oat sodas caught up with me, and i suddenly needed to de-water with a severe urgency. luckily, the terrace was decorated with a few small evergreens, conveniently potted in wooden boxes about waist-heigh. due to another small gathering of strangers a few feet away, and our hosts' impending arrival, a couple friends assisted in feigning conversation with me and obscuring anyone's view of my miteration. thus protected, i proceeded to relieve myself upon the pygmy conifers. of course, our hosts immediately appeared, with my tanks only half empty. i'd say this was the part of the performance most deserving of acclaim - in a portion of an instant, my sword was returned to its sheath with minimal spilling/stinging, and my friends and i turned to greet our hosts without skipping a beat. trees were watered, kidneys were drained, and our hosts were utterly oblivious to the desecration of their chic roof deck.”

-posted by charlie “Yeah, that’s right, I can stop pissing midstream” hoxie

for those of you who like to visual non-fiction characters: charlie is tall, visually appealing, easygoing, jocular guy who possesses a stellar mustache that can’t help but make those naked above the lip (below the nose) ring red with envy.

are you a person with above-average intelligence who has committed an RAB (random act of brilliance) and would like to share this moment of glory with your peers in order to be hailed properly? If so, e-mail your story to tyrannyrocks@gmail.com

what rocks? (orange sour patch kids)

orange sour patch kids

(a sexy party in your mouth)

why they rock: year after year, fancy statistics claim that more americans are going to the movie theater. this may or may not actually be valid, but regardless it’s certainly not the flicks that are roping in the theatergoers (see: white chicks, wanted, the love guru). what is it then? is there a lurking variable among us? yes. it’s the candy that puts people in the theaters, more precisely the sour patch kids and even more precisely than that for those bigtime precision fans at home: it’s the orange sour patch kids. aka the most wonderful candy known to man, woman and children of all ages.

why else they rock: because they have a totally excellent slogan. that being:  “first they’re sour and then they’re sweet.” (i tried to vote for this as america’s next top motto, but unfortunately www.americasnexttopmotto.com does not quite exist…yet). it truly is a wonderful slogan. sour while being sweet? no, that would be an utter disaster. but sour and then sweet? brillant! it’s as if the candy gods knew me inside and out, as if they were appealing to my inner demons, my outer limits, my complex psychology: betray me with your sour and then win me back with your sweet. it’s the story of my life, but in candy form.

seriously, what’s the deal with their rocking: so we now know why box office figures have been skewed (take a bow, Taken) and we’ve scraped the surface of the freudian reasons why we so love the children of the sour patch, but the question lingers: what makes orange the flave o’ flave? well, it’s primarily a process of elimination. the yellow is too intense, the red is too wimpy and mild and the green is way too gangly and lanky. therefore, as the precocious and parentally-neglected goldilocks might say “the orange is just right.” also, it tastes the most like childhood.

further proof that the orange sour pitch kid has that “it” factor:  

things you probably didn’t know about sour patch kids:

-sour patch kids were originally called mars men (circa 1970)
-mars men were little aliens that were sold for one cent each
-in the mid-1980’s, mars men were renamed after cabbage patch kid dolls
-the yellow one looks strangely like mario lopez.
-sour gummi tape is a second cousin of the sour patch kids
-sour skittles are in no way related to the sour patch kids
-sour patch kids are more addictive than cocaine, heroine, and mario bros. 3 combined 

an ode to "time"

(oh, and feel free to comment. it's not illegal).

did you ever wonder why are people always complaining about not having enough “time?”
it's because time is awesome, that’s why. so let's all take a step back, maybe even two, and appreciate the wonderful ways that time improves our lives.

tragedy + time = comedy
history + time = repeats itself
sunburn + time = tan
tan + time = cancer
science + time = cure for cancer
science + time + fashion = futuristic lab-coats
good movie + time = remake with sexier actors.
batter + time + preheated oven = brownies
time + overtime = inflated stats
alcohol + time = pregnancy
pregnancy + time = baby
baby + time = bitter, jaded, adult
bitter jaded adult + time = consumer
bitter, jaded, adult + time + romance = eternally happy individual
eternally, happy individual + time + anonymous phone call about wife's infidelity = bitter, jaded, dejected adult
bitter, jaded, dejected adult + time = ultra-consumer
ultra-consumer + time = tragedy
tragedy + time = comedy
tragedy = comedy – time
tragedy – comedy = -time + time = time travel
time travel + time = kill baby hitler + load up on honus wagner baseball cards
kill baby hitler + load up on honus wagner baseball cards = paradox
paradox + time = you disappear from photographs like in back to the future
back to the future + time = remake + sexier actors (circa 2023)

is there something out there that you think is particularly ode-worthy?
share it with us at tyrannyrocks@gmail.com

what rocks? (tom kruse)

tom kruse
(inventor of hoveround)
(married to catie holmz?)
why he rocks: how many scientologists does it take to re-invent the wheel? apparently none, just a dude with a phonetically identical name to the notorious religion/pyramidscheme's mascot. meet tom "valkyrie this!" kruse, the inventor, founder and CEO of hoveround, the personal mobility vehicle dynamo which owns approximately 4.5% of the power wheelchair market. how, you might ask, did hoveround snag such a respectable slice of the power wheelchair market? well, if you've ever been awake at approximately 3:00 am, the answer is remarkably simple: the infomercial.

why else he rocks: kruse realized that the best way to make money is simply to "cut out the middle man." truly, american's go crazy for anything sans middleman. it doesn't matter what. i know, i'm one of them. in fact, just last week, this guy in a snazzy tie tried to sell me gardening tools and assorted gardening equipment. i told him no thanks, but he was one of those guys who pretends he doesn't know the meaning of the word "no" (i.e. future rapist). finally, though, his charm started to wear me down and he nearly clinched a deal after announcing that his prices were so insanely cheap because he was able to "cut out the middle man." despite the fact that i don't have a garden, haven't seen a garden in years, avoid people who have gardens and probably couldn't even pick a garden out of a police line-up, i still seriously considered taking up this man on his offer because the idea of getting something without a middleman involved is rather intoxicating. and it's this kind of middlemanless genius that has turned many geriatric frowns upside down.

seriously, what's the deal with his rocking: it all started with a vision. it's unclear whether this was a literal or metaphorical vision. regardless, in 1994, when tom cruise was off shooting Interview With The Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles, the tom kruse committed to enhancing the overall quality of society thought "let's build a [motorized wheel]chair that can go anywhere that someone can walk." while attending the prestigious university of south florida, kruse became concerned that his mother couldn't properly manuveur her wheelchair through the hallway. so he came up with a concept for a smaller, round, super-maneuverable wheelchair that could “turn on itself" and built the first hoveround electric wheelchair in his garage [why does it seem that most life shattering inventions (and bands) are invented in garages? is it the fumes? the funny garage doors? the inspiration of small spaces? it's the fumes, isn't it]. with a dream to change the way the world wheels and improve his mother's manaveuring skills, on june 28, 1994, kruse decided to bypass the medical equipment dealers who were often committed to other products. he started selling his electric wheel chairs directly to consumers. and the rest is history, a very profitable history, a very profitable history in which elderly woman can roam around the pinnacle of the grand canyon.



The 1st annual Cruise Cup
(where two men with similar last names square off to the death).

#1
-tom kruse is a self-proclaimed entrepreneur
-tom cruise played an self-conscious entrepreneur in "Vanilla Sky."
winner: kruse (because the spanish version of vanilla sky was way better)

#2
-based on an hour of shoddy internet research it is unclear who tom kruse is or was married to. in fact, he may not believe in marriage at all. he may consider the institution archaic.
-based on a lifelong, unavoidable tom cruise entertainment education, it is quite clear that cruise was once married to mimi rogers.
winner: cruise (because he was married to mrs. kensington from austin powers)

#3
-tom kruse has never jumped on oprah's couch.
-tom cruise has indeed jumped on oprah's couch.
winner: kruse (because jumping should be reserved solely for trampolines).

oh no! times's up!

let's tally the votes...

well, it looks like the winner of the first annual cruise cup is...tom kruse (2-1).

stakes: kruse deserves to retain all rights to the name, including the much coveted verb rights (i.e. pulling a "kruse" means doing something that makes people over the age 65+ exceptionally excited). the actor formerly known as tom cruise should therefore be forced to commit harikari or, for all future "acting" performances, cruise should be forced to play only his character his character from tropic thunder. regardless of genre.