Jobby vs. Subways

look, the general concept of a subway is a great idea– an underground expressway of transportation. However, the general experience of riding the subway in NYC is one of the worst 15 minutes of my day. whether it’s the smoldering heat of being 15 feet below the ground, the lack of consistent trains during commuter hours, the general smell (which is a mixture of urine, booze and BO) or overpopulation of people in each car, i'm sure we can all agree that the subway is as close to hell's waiting room as you can get. so, since we're all probably equally as upset/angry/depressed/nauseated by this state of affairs, there are a few behaviors that can be curbed or amended to make these experiences a little better for all of us.

1. while waiting on the subway platform, please do not stand directly behind or next to me. there is plenty of space to the right or left. i do not hold the magic power to predict that the subway door will open up right in front of me.

2. in no way do I want to touch or rub up against you. why would you want to rub up against me?

3. if seated on a crowded train, please wait for the doors to open before you get up.

4. even though you are wearing headphones, we still hear the music coming out – just turn it down.

and while we're busy making the subway world a better place, here's a few thoughts for the geniuses behind this monstrosity:

dear MTA,
can you please let us know when the nearest train will arrive. it does us no good when someone gets on the microphone and says a downtown express train is approaching 42nd street. yes, i see it; it's right in front of me. and i know sometimes you like to mention when a train is one station away but how about a little consistency please. london has had an approximate arrival time ticker for years now. in fact, so does prague. i think even ancient rome had one of those tickers. oh, and nice try to the MTA guy at Union Square. just because you replay the same announcement over and over that doesn't count.

written by Josh "Jobby" Benedek, the editor of the "Jobby vs. The World" section where he will shed a light on everything that's wrong (and right) with the world. Josh is also the world's foremost nickname-giver. [josh is the ultimate warrior to the eastern side of the photo below]

Jobby vs. Umbrellas

Ladies and gentlemen: when walking down crowded streets in the pouring rain, please make your best effort to avoid hitting others with your umbrella. Like most things in this country, the umbrellas today are bigger and better and as a result more and more people are getting plowed down. I'd like to also point out that some of these "modern umbrellas" have extremey sharp points. It's true, and yet there are bush league umbrella-holders out there who fail to realize they are basically carrying a spear. I recommend that if you see someone walking down the street with one of these harpoon umbrellas while on their cell phone, you should run as fast as you can away, go to a supermarket, buy a pack of marshmallows, and stick them on the end of the point. Society thanks you.

written by Josh "Jobby" Benedek, the editor of the "Jobby vs. The World" section where he will shed a light on everything that's wrong (and right) with the world. Josh is also the world's foremost nickname-giver. [josh is the ultimate warrior to the eastern side of the photo below]

Jobby vs. NYC cabs

why is it that every nyc cab driver is obsessed with going on roundabout adventures? your job is to go from point A to point B...so what the hell are we doing at point C? and how dare you give me that "no, don't worry, this is a shortcut" nod. i mean, we're on 33rd and Park and all i want to do is go to 18th and park, but all of the sudden we're galloping towards 1st avenue. really? listen, i understand this might be a totally awesome scam if i were wearing an I Heart NY shirt, but I'm wearing khaki pants and a collared shirt so let's try to keep it clean. okay?

written by Josh "Jobby" Benedek, the editor of the "Jobby vs. The World" section where he will shed a light on everything that's wrong (and right) with the world. Josh is also the world's foremost nickname-giver. [josh is the ultimate warrior to the eastern side of the photo below]

cab-tooth

in each of my last 19.5 cab rides, the driver has been happily equipped with a blue-tooth in his ear. as he recklessly sweeps through the holy and potholed streets of the city with equal parts guile, grace and indifference, his blue-tooth conversation never ceases. not for a second. not even as he curses quickly in a language i'm unfamliar with. not even when we ram into the car in front of us as part of a five car pile-up. nothing can stop these guys from talking on their bluetooth and the casual demeanor that accompanies their infinite conversations.

but, what i want to know is who are these guys talking to? who possibly has the time to be on the phone with them all day? whose physical and emotional schedule can sync up with that of the blue-toothed cab driver? there is only one possible answer and that possible answer is erotic phone lines. i'm pretty certain of this. standard rates apply.

what rocks? (home alone 2)

(the perfect summertime christmas movie)

why it rocks: women want him and men want to be him…how many times can you say that about a twelve year old? scene after scene, viewing after viewing, kevin mccallister isn’t afraid to take coolness to the next level. whether he’s clobbering the wet/sticky bandits, practicing his cannonballs or finagling the vacation of a lifetime at the plaza (on his parent’s dime), kevin faces each obstacle with his trademark confident curousity and an infinite  arsenal of zingers. His uncharted coolness led to a slew of imitators (blank check, duncan checks in, 3 ninjas) and everyone in-the-know knows that imitation is the highest form of rocking. 

why else it rocks: the posters and trailers would like for you to believe that Kevin is “lost in new york,” but at no point in the film does he exhibit the tell-tale signs of being lost; fear, dread, confusion, crashing on oceanic flight 815 and held hostage by de-facto members of the dharma initiative. no, never for a second does kevin let the situation overtake him. in fact, he remains exponentially calmer, cooler and collected-er than his parents. this makes kevin more than just a miniature james dean; he is someone and something that all children should strive to be. he is incapable of being lost because where he is, is where he is meant to be. one can only imagine that if children were forced to watch this movie every day for their entire childhood upbringing they would be more often comfortable with their surroundings. 

seriously, what’s the deal with it’s rocking: in home alone 2.0, kevin takes his scheming, scamming and chicanery to a whole new level. but he doesn’t do it alone. he relies on the wonderful services of his electronic sidekick: the talkboy. The talkboy is your basic run of the mill portable variable speed cassette player and recorder, except that it had a playback function that seemed to make it very easy for kevin to pretend to be using his father’s voice. The talkboy was originally conceived as a non-working prop for the movie but in 1993 it was made into a retail version, brought on by a massive letter-writing campaign by young fans of the film. Notable, several spinoff versions were created:

-A pink-colored "Talkgirl", marketed towards females

-Talkboy FX Plus, an ordinary writing pen with a built-in recorder and six buttons that play sound effects.

-Talkgirl FX Plus, also marketed towards females.

-Deluxe Talkboy.

-Talkboy Jr., a pocket-sized version of the recorder.

I spent the majority of my post-home-alone-2 years brining down the garbage, selling used crap and generally sucking up to my parents with the hopes of obtaining a coveted talkboy. by the time I finally had the funds to procure this wonderful futuristic device i was on the wrong side of puberty and walking around with a portable voice-changer would have relegated me to an even lower social strata. still, though, i begged my father to take me to caldor to make the purchase. i had it in my hand, finally about to be the proud owner of something i had wanted three years earlier and my father looked at me with green eyes and steel confidence and said “are you sure you want this?” i cracked, I gave up and put it back. i have never been satisfied with life since. 

one can only assume a movie of such top-caliber would lead to a super nintendo video game of such top-caliber as well, right? well, no, not at all, not even close. here's a clip from the terrible, terribly awful, video game:

top 25 fridays: best TGIF tv shows

where every friday we will delve, dissect and rank very important things.

today's top 25: best tgif tv shows
(criteria includes loveable characters, hilarious hijinx, and overall nostalgic value)

1. full house (if hearing the theme song doesn't whisk you off to a "happy place" then you are simply not a member of the human race)
2. perfect strangers (i've been trying to book a flight to meapos for years)
3. family matters (i still have nightmares centered around urkel. and i don't want to wake up)
4. boy meets world (age ten: lifelong dream is to have a sleepover with corey matthews and shawn. age 11: lifelong dream is revised to have a sleepover with topanga)
5. step by step (the boys made you laugh, the girls broke your hearts, the parents choked you up and cody rocked your world)
6. hangin' with mr. cooper (the greatest show about an nba-player turned substitute teacher in the annals of television)
7. sister, sister (twins seperated at birth never fails. it's just priceless, priceless stuff)
8. sabrina the teenage witch (clarissa continues to explain it all, except this time with a magic wand)
9. mr. belvedere (why was mr. belvedere such a snobby jerk. did he not realize he was a butler?)
10. just the ten of us (growing pains spinoff about famiy with eight children. six of them were girls. one can only assumed all dated mike seaver at one time or another)
11. baby talk (look who's talking ripoff. but tony danza (voice) + scott baio (love interest) = magic)
12. home free (underrated matt perry vehicle)
13. dinosaurs (jim henson dreamed up the concept for the show before he died. it's NOT a shame that he missed it...points for ballsiness though)
14. hi honey, i'm home (brilliant concept show gone awry. here's a summary from our good friends at the wikipedia factory: The series centered around a 1950s sitcom family, the Nielsens (who were named in reference to the Nielsen Ratings system), who were relocated by the "Sitcom Relocation Program" to 1990s New Jersey suburbia after their fictional series, Hi Honey, I'm Hom, stopped being rerun.Episodes focused on the Nielsens attempting to adjust to life in a new era while keeping their true identities a secret. The only regular character that knew the family's true identities was Mike Duff (Peter Benson), the son of the Nielsen's next door neighbor. The Nielsens had a special remote control called the "Turnerizer" (named after Ted Turner, the media mogul who colorized old movies for his networks) which allowed the family to switch between color and black and white)
15. the hughleys (d.l. hughley played a vending machine salesman. perhaps best tv job ever)
16. clueless (not a terrible adaptation. even turk from scrubs reprised his role from the movie)
17. camp wilder (it had potential: hillary swank, jerry o'connell, jay mohr, jared leto. yup, it had potential...)
18. where i live (for those of us that just couldn't get enough doug e doug in our lives)
19. brother's keeper (two and a half men except with the kid from liar liar)
20. billy (short-lived head of the class spinoff centered around an arranged marriage gone awry)
21. on our own (the black party of five)
22. aliens in the family (precursor 3rd rock from the sun. but a really, really bad precursor)
23. you wish (if you took everything that was good about alladin, this is what you'd be left with)
24. teen angel (teenager dies after eating a six-month old hamburger and comes back as an angel. gold! no, wait, not even bronze...
25. two of a kind (nothing beats two of a kind. no, wait. everything beats two of a kind). FUN FACT: the olsen twins appear first and last on our list.

honorable mention: odd man out

fake interviews with devious people (god. part 1)

through a series of unwieldy bribes, the tyranny rocks crew had the chance to catch up with the lord and savior at his home in boca raton for an exclusive interview. the following is presented verbatim with no embellishments, inferences or extraneous alliterations. [portions of this interview may overlap with god's new autobiography, The Bible 2: What's the Deal with Piety?]

Tyranny Rocks: wow, thank you so much for having us here. it's an honor.
God: yeah, no problem. i haven't done one of these in a long time. few millenia. wow. time flies when...anyway, so i figured, you know, it's time.
TR: do you mind if i just dive right in, cut to the chase?
G: absolutely. go ahead. i'm not a big fan of small talk.
TR: me neither.
G: well...you were created in my image
TR/G: [chuckles]
TR: so, end of sopranos: tony's dead, not dead, what's the deal?
G: jeez. first question. going for the jugular.
TR: you said you didn't like small talk...
G: no, i know. I did. okay, then. spoiler alert: tony's dead. i mean, all the clues are there. and the big enchilada is that flashback of the convo with bobby out on the lake. that's the clincher.
TR: so you have no doubt in your mind.
G: none. zero. i'm omnipotent.
TR: that's right. i always forget that. what's it like? being omnipotent and all.
G: it's good...for the most part.
TR: you seem ambivalent to your omnipotenence.
G: that's absolutely true. everyone thinks 'oh, god's omnipotent, that's so awesome, he knows everything, he's so cool' but let me ask you this: how much fun is the super bowl when you already know who's going to win. and not just that, you know who's going to win the next super bowl and the one after that. fyi: lions in 2016.
TR: never thought of that.
G: no one does. and don't even get me started on dating.
TR: what do you mean?
G: I mean, it's just, like, "too much information" around the clock. for every chick i date, i know who she dated before me, who she'll date after me, i know what she ate for breakfast today, what she ate for breakfast fifteen years ago and where and when she "disposed" of said breakfast. it ain't pretty.
TR: no, i imagine that'd be horrible.
G: i even went to see a hypnotist.
TR: what, to try and induce amnesia or something?
G: exactly!
TR: did it work?
G: it actually did. for about an hour. then the omnipotence just came back twice as strong.
TR: bummer.
G: yeah. anyway. enough about me and my damn omnipotence. what else you got for me?
TR: okay. let's return to that omnipotence thing, though. i'm intrigued. anyway, i'm sure a bunch of people would want to know which is the "true religion." is there a "true religion?"
G: i really can't say. gag clause. terribly sorry about that.
TR: no, no, i understand.
G: damn, i'm sorry.
TR: seriously, it's okay. but since you can't say, you do realize that every day people kill other people over this issue. wars are fought in your name. how does that sit with you?
G: honestly?
TR: always honestly, god...
G: honestly, then: i love it. i love it to no end. i know that makes me kind of a jerk, but i love it.
TR: you love it.
G: call me insecure, call me a sucker for entertainment, but it's really exciting.
TR: really...
G: imagine the feeling of having two women fight over you, except in this case it's two nations. and people are willing to die for you! it's a rush, man.
[at this point god notices my face and his gentle smile briskly turns into a nervous frown. he tries to peer at what i've been writing, but with all the journalist integrity i can muster in the face of the almighty, i cover up my notes.]
G: just kidding! i totally had you. did you believe that? if so, i can't believe you believed that. it was such a joke. such a joke.
TR: good gag, god.
G: alliteration!
TR: i love alliteration.
G: i invented alliteration, you know.
TR: really? that's great.
G: also...you ever heard of the wheel? that was me.
TR: that was a good one. practical, yet shapely.
G: yup, yup. what else you got for me. my juices are flowing. i'm really getting into this...

please tune in next week for Part 2 of TR's exclusive interview with god.

what rocks? (the claw machine)

the claw machine
(a game of persistence, frustration and taunting by inanimate objects)

why it rocks: the SATs may test “intelligence,” but the claw machine tests character. as such, this online journal vehemently proposes that elite academic institutions abolish usage of standardized testing in lieu of this, the ultimate test. to succeed on the claw machine, the following skills are necessary in abundance: cleverness, patience, perseverance, adaptability, quick decision-making and having money. are those not the exact same skills that universities seek when evaluating applicants?

why else it rocks: winning a stuffed toy in the crane machine is the absolute most perfect gesture to impress a girl. that must be why they are often located in dating hot-spots, like the movie theater, bowling alleys, restaurants and supermarkets. impressive romantic gifts are too often the result of spending a lot of money or having “good taste.” the claw machine levels the playing field and makes impressing ladies about merit. additionally, there is no better way to grow closer to another person than to “win” something together, to have the feeling of being in cahoots together, to feel like it’s just the two of you against a rigged game, against the odds, the world. plus, you get a soft, squishy trophy that becomes a personification of your union. no matter how bad things ever get between the two romancers, there will always be this token of affection, to remind both of “better times.” also: where else can you convert quarters into the possibility of sexual foreplay? 

seriously, what’s the deal with it rocking: it’s only a matter of time before a good idea eventually goes too far. in this instance, our friends in east asia have taken the cake. for example, in china machines have been known to stock domestic and foreign cigarettes. okay, cancer-causing, but not too weird. where things really get fishy, though, is in the supermarkets where some chinese chains fill their machines with crabs and lobsters. in japan, even pet turtles can be won. it can only be a matter of time before adoption agencies use the claw machine to have artificial parents select their babies. utopia, here we come!

AND it’s not just men, women and children of all ages who love the crane machine. but aliens like these guys below also go gaga for this great adventure in metaliic-hand gaming:

GREAT DEBATES: IS IT RIGGED?

since being introduced in the 1980s, frustrated teenagers have spent countless days, nights and parts of their crushed soul to argue whether or not the machines are rigged. perhaps we’ll never have this answer (though I think we can all agree that claw machine’s grip is weaker than an arthritic grandmother after a three-hour typing course), but here is evidence that the newer models are most certainly rigged:
 

late-model, high-end claw machines are fully computerized and are remotely programmable by the owner (via a hand-held device). Settings and features commonly available include

-claw strength and aperture

-motion speed, in any direction (that is, the claw can be made to drop slowly but come up quickly, or move right faster than it moves forward)

-pick-up strength and retain strength can be specified separately, as well as the delay between pick-up and return.

-payout percentage: Cranes equipped with this setting have onboard programming which cause the claw's grip parameters to be continually adjusted to achieve a pre-set payout percentage, usually specified with respect to the value of the prizes inside

-"fail limit": If the machine dispenses too many prizes in a given time period, it stops accepting coins and is "out of order"