Thursday, June 4, 2009

fake interviews with devious people (god. part 1)

through a series of unwieldy bribes, the tyranny rocks crew had the chance to catch up with the lord and savior at his home in boca raton for an exclusive interview. the following is presented verbatim with no embellishments, inferences or extraneous alliterations. [portions of this interview may overlap with god's new autobiography, The Bible 2: What's the Deal with Piety?]

Tyranny Rocks: wow, thank you so much for having us here. it's an honor.
God: yeah, no problem. i haven't done one of these in a long time. few millenia. wow. time flies when...anyway, so i figured, you know, it's time.
TR: do you mind if i just dive right in, cut to the chase?
G: absolutely. go ahead. i'm not a big fan of small talk.
TR: me neither.
G: were created in my image
TR/G: [chuckles]
TR: so, end of sopranos: tony's dead, not dead, what's the deal?
G: jeez. first question. going for the jugular.
TR: you said you didn't like small talk...
G: no, i know. I did. okay, then. spoiler alert: tony's dead. i mean, all the clues are there. and the big enchilada is that flashback of the convo with bobby out on the lake. that's the clincher.
TR: so you have no doubt in your mind.
G: none. zero. i'm omnipotent.
TR: that's right. i always forget that. what's it like? being omnipotent and all.
G: it's good...for the most part.
TR: you seem ambivalent to your omnipotenence.
G: that's absolutely true. everyone thinks 'oh, god's omnipotent, that's so awesome, he knows everything, he's so cool' but let me ask you this: how much fun is the super bowl when you already know who's going to win. and not just that, you know who's going to win the next super bowl and the one after that. fyi: lions in 2016.
TR: never thought of that.
G: no one does. and don't even get me started on dating.
TR: what do you mean?
G: I mean, it's just, like, "too much information" around the clock. for every chick i date, i know who she dated before me, who she'll date after me, i know what she ate for breakfast today, what she ate for breakfast fifteen years ago and where and when she "disposed" of said breakfast. it ain't pretty.
TR: no, i imagine that'd be horrible.
G: i even went to see a hypnotist.
TR: what, to try and induce amnesia or something?
G: exactly!
TR: did it work?
G: it actually did. for about an hour. then the omnipotence just came back twice as strong.
TR: bummer.
G: yeah. anyway. enough about me and my damn omnipotence. what else you got for me?
TR: okay. let's return to that omnipotence thing, though. i'm intrigued. anyway, i'm sure a bunch of people would want to know which is the "true religion." is there a "true religion?"
G: i really can't say. gag clause. terribly sorry about that.
TR: no, no, i understand.
G: damn, i'm sorry.
TR: seriously, it's okay. but since you can't say, you do realize that every day people kill other people over this issue. wars are fought in your name. how does that sit with you?
G: honestly?
TR: always honestly, god...
G: honestly, then: i love it. i love it to no end. i know that makes me kind of a jerk, but i love it.
TR: you love it.
G: call me insecure, call me a sucker for entertainment, but it's really exciting.
TR: really...
G: imagine the feeling of having two women fight over you, except in this case it's two nations. and people are willing to die for you! it's a rush, man.
[at this point god notices my face and his gentle smile briskly turns into a nervous frown. he tries to peer at what i've been writing, but with all the journalist integrity i can muster in the face of the almighty, i cover up my notes.]
G: just kidding! i totally had you. did you believe that? if so, i can't believe you believed that. it was such a joke. such a joke.
TR: good gag, god.
G: alliteration!
TR: i love alliteration.
G: i invented alliteration, you know.
TR: really? that's great.
G: ever heard of the wheel? that was me.
TR: that was a good one. practical, yet shapely.
G: yup, yup. what else you got for me. my juices are flowing. i'm really getting into this...

please tune in next week for Part 2 of TR's exclusive interview with god.

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