Monday, June 22, 2009

top 25 fridays: steroid using baseball players

where every friday we will delve, dissect and rank very important things. 

today's top 25: steroid using baseball players

(criteria includes: statistical prowess, muscular bulbousness, latent ‘roid rage and general hypocrisy)

1. Rafael Palmeiro (a ton of players lied to congress under oath about not using steroids. but palmeiro takes the cake for not being deemed “good” enough a ballplayer to warrant perjury charges. bonus points awarded for killer mustache, inspiring viagra commercials and telling fans he would provide an explanation for his positive test and then simply just never speaking publicly again…the baseball-cheating equivalent of breaking up with a girl by saying we need to talk and then ignoring her calls)
2. Ken Caminiti (he died for the cause. that takes balls. albeit shrunken ones, but balls none the less)
3. Jose Canseco (the joe mccarthy of steroids, but if joe mccarthy wasn’t full of shit.)
4. Sammy Sosa (fluent English speaker while not in front of congress. flummoxed by the wiles of the English language while in front of congress)
5. Mark McGwire (he’d be the centerfold for Enormous Head magazine, if such a magazine existed…)
6. Barry Bonds (…but it will never exist, due to Seriously, Fucking Enourmous Head magazine featuring centerfold barry bonds)
7. Roger Clemens (first player to bring ‘roid rage to a ballpark near you; chucking a bat at mike piazza and then trying the play the “what? I was just cleaning the field”-card)
8. Alex Rodriguez (the best player in baseball history to have zero fans)
9. Miguel Tejada (claimed to have been born in 1976 but a Dominican birth certificate showed that he was born in 1974. that birth certificate also shows the spelling of his surname as "Tejeda" rather than "Tejada.” My heart goes out to anyone who owns a foolishly spelled “Tejada” jersey)
10. Gary Mathhews Jr. (one can only imagine how disappointed gary matthews sr. must be)
11. Ben Levy (kid from my high school. 95% sure he used. wish i had stolen a sample of his urine from a sleepover to prove this once and for all. rumor has it he’s now a guidance counselor for a school somewhere in connecticut. way to go, ben!)
12. Manny Ramirez (player who looks most like the predator from the movie the predator. now lives in state where Schwarzenegger is governor. coincidence?)
13. Jason Giambi (nicknamed "the giambino," "the big g," and "the dancing bear." why would anyone not want to call him "the dancing bear?")
14. Paul Lo Duca (intimate bromance with steroid-provider chronicled in series of notes which include exclamation points and possibly invisible ink declaring “more than just bromance” feelings)
15. Andy Pettitte (proof that honesty is the best policy. check that; honesty and winning 4 world series is the best policy.)
16. Rick Ankiel (headcase pitcher + steroids = loveable power hitter)
17. Benito Santiago (definitely the best name of any steroid user. so fun to repeat. recommended to be included in any tongue twister.)
18. Brady Anderson (went from 16 homers to 50 yet is never publicly accused. i smell conspiracy? or is he protected because of his heart-throb sideburns and his cameo on sabrina the teenage witch?)
19. Jim Leyritz (from ‘roid rage to road rage to vehicular manslaugher to suicide threats. what's next? bated breath over here...)
20. Lenny Dykstra ('roided his way to the hall of fame…the douche bag hall of fame)
21. Scott Schoeneweis (most games ever pitched by a jewish pitcher. doing his best to proudly represent the chosen people)
22. John Rocker/Danny McBride (mcbride’s humor is like comedy on steroids – humungous and abrasive. so of course he’d play john rocker in john rocker story dubbed “east bound and down.” both guys have an, er, magical way with words) (this “two for one” courtesy of EW)
23. Gary Sheffield (“during a workout with barry bonds in 2001, a cream was applied to sheffield's knee by a trainer to help heal ripped stitches from a knee surgery. sheffield states in his book, Inside Power, that he had no knowledge of the cream containing steroids, and had no reason to assume so at the time.” wait. sheffield wrote a book? dude knows how to write? okay, fine, he probably hired a ghostwriter. but still…dude knows how to hire a ghostwriter?)
24. Matt Franco (the nephew of Kurt Russell juiced up for his own little escape from new york)
25. Ozzie Canseco (jose’s identical twin took sibling rivalry to the next level as both vied for steroid supremacy)
notable small ballplayers who suddenly bulked up and then just as suddenly bulked down: Brett Boone, Nook Logan, Greg Zaunn
notable guy who you should boo if you ever see him in public: Eric Gagne

1 comment:

  1. Eric Gagne is Seth Rogen's twin, so be careful not to accidentally boo him. I'm pretty sure the only performance enhancer he's taken has helped him at XBox and Dorritos eating.