Monday, July 6, 2009

it sure is quiet around these here parts...

sorry gang, for the lack of copiousness on TR. things have been super busy trying to finish up edit on an 88-minute movie about rock, paper, scissors.
but like Lord Voldemort, we will be back: bigger and better at an enormous pace.

Monday, June 29, 2009

where have all the good knock-knock jokes gone?

I haven't heard a solid knock-knock in years. I'm starting to get very suspicious. If anybody has any information about the possible whereabouts of the seemingly extinct knock-kock jokes, please alert the big-whigs of this website immediately. there are possible awards to be garnered.

be vigilant and show no haste.

Friday, June 26, 2009

top 25 fridays: "other" Michael Jacksons

where every friday we will delve, dissect and rank very important things.

today's top 25: famous "other" Michael Jacksons

(criteria includes: similarities to the white-gloved wonder, success within field and overall Michael Jackson-ness)

1. Michael P. Jackson - U.S. Deputy Secretary (in addition to a brief but wonderful stint as Deputy Secretary of the Department of Homeland security, this Michael Jackson hobknobbed his way into working for two presidencies (George H.W. Bush and Ronald "don't call me Pagan" Reagan. he eventually resigned effective October 26, 2007, "for financial reasons I can no longer ignore." apparently financial woes despite high-profile jobs is a theme among Michael Jacksons.)
2. Michael George Jackson – German Pop musician (a German born English singer-songwriter and the co-writer of the song, "Blame It on the Boogie". Jackson recorded and released his version of the song at the same time as The Jacksons. the press at the time enjoyed the similarity in the names and release coincidence, calling the situation 'boogie wars' as the two records jockied for chart positions. oh, how i miss the days of the boogie wars.)
3. Michael Ray Jackson – baseball relief pitcher (played with the Phillies, Giants, Reds, Astros, Mariners, Indians, Twins and White Sox. Jackson's best year in the majors was in 1998 with the Indians, saving 40 games with a 1.55 ERA. not the most athletic of the michael jacksons, but the most successfully athletic of the clan.)
4. Salman Raduyev (a.k.a. “Michael Jackson) - Chechen warlord (a Chechen separatist warlord considered to be one of the most radical and notorious Chechen rebel commanders of the period between 1994 and 1999. arrested in 2000, he died in a Russian penal colony in mysterious circumstances. in early 1999, Raduyev vanished from public again while undergoing a major plastic surgery in Germany, in effect acquiring a new face. The alleged implants of titanium earned him the nickname of "Titanic" in Russia, while in Chechnya he became popularly known as "Michael Jackson." nothing like a good nickname.)
5. Michael D. Jackson - post-modern New Zealand anthropologist (Jackson is the founder of existential/phenomenological anthropology, a sub-field of anthropology using ethnographical fieldwork as well as existential theories of being in order to explore modes of being and interpersonal relationships as they exist in various cultural settings throughout the world. urban legend claims that this apparently inspired the song “Man in the Mirror”)
6. Mick Jackson – director (directed the 1987 docudrama Life Story, with Jeff Goldblum and Tim Pigott-Smith. does anybody actually know what a docudrama is? better question: does anybody know why Jeff Goldblum isn’t helming a superhero series? Green Lantern anyone?)
7. Michael James Jackson - priest and Canon in the Church of England (i thought i'd be able to come up with a kickass Michael Jackson loves kids and priest loves kids jokes. but apparently i'm tapped. damnit. superbly disappointed with my AM creativity. damnit x 2.)
8. Michael Jackson - 18 December 173410 April 1801 (soldier from Massachusetts. Wounded at bunker hill. but seriously, who wasn’t injured at bunker hill. hell of a bunker. and hill.)
9. Michael Jackson, Jr – son of #8 Michael Jackson (lived miserably in Sr.’s shadow)
10. Naea Michael Jackson - Niuean journalist and former politician (he published the Tohi Tala Niue, Niue's government-owned weekly newspaper. what's in a name, anyway?)
11. Michael Dwayne Jackson – former NFL Wide Receiver (fun fact: Jackson is a member of Alpha Phi Alpha, the first intercollegiate Greek-letter fraternity established for African Americans. throw that on his tombstone.)
12. Michael A. Jackson - Sheriff of Prince George's County, Maryland (pursuant to Maryland Common Law, Jackson's position as the elected sheriff makes him the senior law enforcement official of his jurisdiction and his authority overrides all others.)
13. Mike and Michelle Jackson - Australian children's singer, songwriter, musician, radio show hosts (mike taught himself harmonica in high school and acquired a taste comic songs from his grandfather and the radio. he branched out onto other instruments and acquired a reputation for being able to get a tune out of almost anything.
14. Michael Richard Jackson - British television producer and executive (notable for being one of only three people to have been Controller of both BBC One and BBC Two. Jackson was at times criticised for relying more on US imports than home-grown material, with Ally McBeal, The West Wing and Sex and the City all arriving at the broadcaster during his time there. wait. so the US actually does export something? intriguing...)
15. Michael Warren Jackson - another former Major League Baseball relief pitcher(played from 1970 to 1973 for the Phillies, Cardinals, Royals and Indians. Jackson finished his career with a 2-3 record and a 5.80 ERA.)
16. Michael (Mike) Jackson - Canadian actor (Jackson is most famous for his role as Trevor on the popular comedy series Trailer Park Boys and the unnamed pimp from Hobo With A Shotgun. i prefer pimps without names to pimps with names. personal prefence.)
17. Michael Jackson – Bishop (has bishopped the Church of Ireland Bishop of Clogher since 2002. His father, Roy Jackson, was an archdeacon.)
18. General Sir Michael Jackson - former head of the British Army (he served in the NATO chain of command as a deputy to the Supreme Allied Commander Europe, General Wesley Clark. in this capacity, he is best known for refusing, in June 1999, to block the runways of the Russian-occupied Pristina Airport, to isolate the Russian troops there. ballsy gent.)
19. Michael C. Jackson - a British systems scientist (currently Professor of Management Systems and Dean of Hull University Business School.)
20. Michael “Mike” Jackson – fictional character (a recurring fictional character in the early novels by British comic writer P. G. Wodehouse, being a good friend of Psmith. he appears in all the Psmith books. Mike is a solid, reliable character with a strong sense of fair play, but an appetite for excitement and a stubbornness that often leads him into trouble. he is a keen and talented cricketer, and comes from a cricketing family.)
21. Michael Derek Jackson – former basketball player (in his NBA career, Jackson played in 89 games and scored a total of 188 points. he was a member of Georgetown's 1984 National Championship team...where he had a first-hand face-to-face glimpse at Patrick Ewing's nostrils on a daily basis.)
22. Michael Jackson – alcohol enthusiast (an English writer and journalist. he was the author of several influential books about beer and whisky.
23. Michael Jackson – former football player (played linebacker for eight seasons on the Seattle Seahawks. Jackson is also very active off the field with several charities including the March of Dimes, Special Olympics, and the United Way. the linebacking philanthropist; the movie writes itself. franchise anyone?)
24. Michael J. Jackson - English actor (Jackson made several appearances in the television series Highlander: The Series in 1996-1997. fun fact: in 1999 Jackson attended the Chronicles 1999 Highlander convention in Birmingham, United Kingdom. he took part in a Question & Answers session along with other cast members.)
25. J. Michael “Mike” Jackson – politician (born 20 August 1953. he is a Republican member of the Texas Senate representing the 11th District.)

Michael P. Jackson now carries the proverbial "name torch" (pictured below)

Monday, June 22, 2009

top 25 fridays: steroid using baseball players

where every friday we will delve, dissect and rank very important things. 

today's top 25: steroid using baseball players

(criteria includes: statistical prowess, muscular bulbousness, latent ‘roid rage and general hypocrisy)

1. Rafael Palmeiro (a ton of players lied to congress under oath about not using steroids. but palmeiro takes the cake for not being deemed “good” enough a ballplayer to warrant perjury charges. bonus points awarded for killer mustache, inspiring viagra commercials and telling fans he would provide an explanation for his positive test and then simply just never speaking publicly again…the baseball-cheating equivalent of breaking up with a girl by saying we need to talk and then ignoring her calls)
2. Ken Caminiti (he died for the cause. that takes balls. albeit shrunken ones, but balls none the less)
3. Jose Canseco (the joe mccarthy of steroids, but if joe mccarthy wasn’t full of shit.)
4. Sammy Sosa (fluent English speaker while not in front of congress. flummoxed by the wiles of the English language while in front of congress)
5. Mark McGwire (he’d be the centerfold for Enormous Head magazine, if such a magazine existed…)
6. Barry Bonds (…but it will never exist, due to Seriously, Fucking Enourmous Head magazine featuring centerfold barry bonds)
7. Roger Clemens (first player to bring ‘roid rage to a ballpark near you; chucking a bat at mike piazza and then trying the play the “what? I was just cleaning the field”-card)
8. Alex Rodriguez (the best player in baseball history to have zero fans)
9. Miguel Tejada (claimed to have been born in 1976 but a Dominican birth certificate showed that he was born in 1974. that birth certificate also shows the spelling of his surname as "Tejeda" rather than "Tejada.” My heart goes out to anyone who owns a foolishly spelled “Tejada” jersey)
10. Gary Mathhews Jr. (one can only imagine how disappointed gary matthews sr. must be)
11. Ben Levy (kid from my high school. 95% sure he used. wish i had stolen a sample of his urine from a sleepover to prove this once and for all. rumor has it he’s now a guidance counselor for a school somewhere in connecticut. way to go, ben!)
12. Manny Ramirez (player who looks most like the predator from the movie the predator. now lives in state where Schwarzenegger is governor. coincidence?)
13. Jason Giambi (nicknamed "the giambino," "the big g," and "the dancing bear." why would anyone not want to call him "the dancing bear?")
14. Paul Lo Duca (intimate bromance with steroid-provider chronicled in series of notes which include exclamation points and possibly invisible ink declaring “more than just bromance” feelings)
15. Andy Pettitte (proof that honesty is the best policy. check that; honesty and winning 4 world series is the best policy.)
16. Rick Ankiel (headcase pitcher + steroids = loveable power hitter)
17. Benito Santiago (definitely the best name of any steroid user. so fun to repeat. recommended to be included in any tongue twister.)
18. Brady Anderson (went from 16 homers to 50 yet is never publicly accused. i smell conspiracy? or is he protected because of his heart-throb sideburns and his cameo on sabrina the teenage witch?)
19. Jim Leyritz (from ‘roid rage to road rage to vehicular manslaugher to suicide threats. what's next? bated breath over here...)
20. Lenny Dykstra ('roided his way to the hall of fame…the douche bag hall of fame)
21. Scott Schoeneweis (most games ever pitched by a jewish pitcher. doing his best to proudly represent the chosen people)
22. John Rocker/Danny McBride (mcbride’s humor is like comedy on steroids – humungous and abrasive. so of course he’d play john rocker in john rocker story dubbed “east bound and down.” both guys have an, er, magical way with words) (this “two for one” courtesy of EW)
23. Gary Sheffield (“during a workout with barry bonds in 2001, a cream was applied to sheffield's knee by a trainer to help heal ripped stitches from a knee surgery. sheffield states in his book, Inside Power, that he had no knowledge of the cream containing steroids, and had no reason to assume so at the time.” wait. sheffield wrote a book? dude knows how to write? okay, fine, he probably hired a ghostwriter. but still…dude knows how to hire a ghostwriter?)
24. Matt Franco (the nephew of Kurt Russell juiced up for his own little escape from new york)
25. Ozzie Canseco (jose’s identical twin took sibling rivalry to the next level as both vied for steroid supremacy)
notable small ballplayers who suddenly bulked up and then just as suddenly bulked down: Brett Boone, Nook Logan, Greg Zaunn
notable guy who you should boo if you ever see him in public: Eric Gagne

why dreams sucks...

sometimes I have a really bad dream (i.e. nightmare, embarassing moment replayed, horrifying sexual fantasy involving model airplanes) and when i wake up i'm still riled up and upset from this terrible unconscious experience.

but then sometimes i have a totally awesome dream (i.e. infinite-sized house, swimming pool filled with foreign currency, dating a female leprechaun) and when i wake up i get riled that it wasn't real and i get upset about this wonderful unconscious experience.

that's why i try to shoot for mediocre dreams (i.e. waiting IN line at starbucks). but usually it doesn't work. and that's why dreams suck. (thanks for the correction, Cindy. Grammar is usually my most attractive quality.)

Sunday, June 14, 2009

what rocks? (pajamas)

(like a blanket…that you wear)
(popular clothing choice among bananas)

why they rock: it’s a scientific impossibility to put on pajamas and not be happier than you were before putting them on. whether nightwear, daywear, or the rarely used formalwear, pajamas are synonymous with feelings of warmth, euphoria and endless childhood. 

why else they rock: for further proving the brilliance, innovation and dominance of english-speaking nations. according to myth/wikipedia, the original paijama are loose, lightweight trousers fitted with drawnstring waistbands of south and west asia descent. enter the english: in typical bigger, better, badasser fashion, they add a top to the ensemble and re-invent the wheelhouse of pajamas to refer to a two-piece garment of exceptionally soft caliber. the highly-evolved pajamas prove way superior to the amoebic paijama. 

seriously, what’s the deal with their rocking: The Pajama Bar and Lounge is the ultimate late night hangout, where hip manhattanites congregate to relieve their 9 to 5 or more likely 9 to 9 woes with a bottle of beer, a room full of tunes and show up comfortably dressed in their most favorite and stylish pjs. unfortunately for the world, this place does not yet exist but the good people at tyranny rocks are looking forward to receiving your investments and advice on how to make this utopia a reality. 

Friday, June 12, 2009

top 25 fridays: best sly stallone movies

where every friday we will delve, dissect and rank very important things.

today's top 25: best sylvester stallone movies

(criteria includes depth of character, depth of character name, plausability of story-arc, asskicking and slow-motion action scenes)

1. demolotion man (taco bell is the only restaurant left after "the chain wars!" sex without touching!! commercial jingles have replaced radio!!! and bonus points for referring to the Schwarzenneger presidency)
2. rocky (the prequel to rocky II)
3. rocky IV (best training montage ever)
4. first blood (top action flick about a mentally unstable vietnam war vet with an awesome name)
5. cliffhanger (eat your heart out, passenger 57 and under siege)
6. tango & cash (an invincible buddy flick. great use of ampersand in title)
7. victory (stallone nixed the idea of using a professional player as a double for the game sequences. because of this, he seperated his shoulder and broke a finger).
8. stop or my mom will shoot (stallone's foray into family comedy)
9. nighthawks ("wulfgar, an international terrorist holds the city of new york hostage, but Deke DaSilva, the most dangerous cop known to man, can take him down." Sly proves to be only actor with chops to pull of name "Deke")
10. rocky II (apollo creed finally bites the dust)
11. over the top (underdog movie + arm wrestling + over the top acting + over the top title = classic)
12. rocky III (the forgotten middle child of rocky movies)
13. cobra ("crime is a disease. meet the cure." voted most likely to have a sequel but did not)
14. rambo (in the reboot, sly proves he's like a fine wine: better with age, and sounds kinda drunk)
15. rambo II/III (blurred into one long, forecefully badass, cool, gorey action film)
16. daylight (there's nobody i'd rather be trapped in a tunnel underground with than my main man)
17. F.I.S.T. (johnny kovak is a great stallone movie name. and F.I.S.T. is a great acronym)
18. assasins (stallone v. banderas. the roe v. wade of assasin movies)
19. oscar (when sylvester does comedy we laugh. or else...)
20. copland (amazing cast that goes nowhere. like the yankees with a-rod)
21. judge dredd (sick of being typecast as a cop, sly plays a futuristic cop)
22. paradise alley (apparently, directing was such a new job to Stallone on this project that several times, cast and crew were in position, ready to do their jobs but they could not. they could not because Stallone would forget to yell, "Action."
23. rocky balboa (good beginning, okay middle, terrible ending, godawful post-movie conversation)
24. driven/the specialist/get carter (the same barely watchable movie)
25. rocky V (garbage. but even garbage can be redeemed with a sweet roman numeral)
worst movie ever: antz

dare you disagree? comment below and give us your best...

Thursday, June 11, 2009

belated new years resolutions (6/11/09)

-climb mount everest. twice
-start rumor about secret 8th harry potter book
-start online dating service which only features people's old baby photos
-stare coldly at people who eat on the subway
-find ways to incorporate a magnifying glass into my daily life
-convince friend to buy not one, but two dogs. convince friend to name dogs "beebop" and "rocksteady"
-figure out how to create an iced-tea, iced-coffee combo. (market widely as iced-coftea)
-pioneer edible suntan lotion movement
-acquire chicken pox and infect brother. when he gets terribly sick, smile at him and say "now we're even"
-learn cartography and impress strangers by using the word latitutde in context

Jobby vs. Subways

look, the general concept of a subway is a great idea– an underground expressway of transportation. However, the general experience of riding the subway in NYC is one of the worst 15 minutes of my day. whether it’s the smoldering heat of being 15 feet below the ground, the lack of consistent trains during commuter hours, the general smell (which is a mixture of urine, booze and BO) or overpopulation of people in each car, i'm sure we can all agree that the subway is as close to hell's waiting room as you can get. so, since we're all probably equally as upset/angry/depressed/nauseated by this state of affairs, there are a few behaviors that can be curbed or amended to make these experiences a little better for all of us.

1. while waiting on the subway platform, please do not stand directly behind or next to me. there is plenty of space to the right or left. i do not hold the magic power to predict that the subway door will open up right in front of me.

2. in no way do I want to touch or rub up against you. why would you want to rub up against me?

3. if seated on a crowded train, please wait for the doors to open before you get up.

4. even though you are wearing headphones, we still hear the music coming out – just turn it down.

and while we're busy making the subway world a better place, here's a few thoughts for the geniuses behind this monstrosity:

dear MTA,
can you please let us know when the nearest train will arrive. it does us no good when someone gets on the microphone and says a downtown express train is approaching 42nd street. yes, i see it; it's right in front of me. and i know sometimes you like to mention when a train is one station away but how about a little consistency please. london has had an approximate arrival time ticker for years now. in fact, so does prague. i think even ancient rome had one of those tickers. oh, and nice try to the MTA guy at Union Square. just because you replay the same announcement over and over that doesn't count.

written by Josh "Jobby" Benedek, the editor of the "Jobby vs. The World" section where he will shed a light on everything that's wrong (and right) with the world. Josh is also the world's foremost nickname-giver. [josh is the ultimate warrior to the eastern side of the photo below]

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Jobby vs. Umbrellas

Ladies and gentlemen: when walking down crowded streets in the pouring rain, please make your best effort to avoid hitting others with your umbrella. Like most things in this country, the umbrellas today are bigger and better and as a result more and more people are getting plowed down. I'd like to also point out that some of these "modern umbrellas" have extremey sharp points. It's true, and yet there are bush league umbrella-holders out there who fail to realize they are basically carrying a spear. I recommend that if you see someone walking down the street with one of these harpoon umbrellas while on their cell phone, you should run as fast as you can away, go to a supermarket, buy a pack of marshmallows, and stick them on the end of the point. Society thanks you.

written by Josh "Jobby" Benedek, the editor of the "Jobby vs. The World" section where he will shed a light on everything that's wrong (and right) with the world. Josh is also the world's foremost nickname-giver. [josh is the ultimate warrior to the eastern side of the photo below]

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Jobby vs. NYC cabs

why is it that every nyc cab driver is obsessed with going on roundabout adventures? your job is to go from point A to point what the hell are we doing at point C? and how dare you give me that "no, don't worry, this is a shortcut" nod. i mean, we're on 33rd and Park and all i want to do is go to 18th and park, but all of the sudden we're galloping towards 1st avenue. really? listen, i understand this might be a totally awesome scam if i were wearing an I Heart NY shirt, but I'm wearing khaki pants and a collared shirt so let's try to keep it clean. okay?

written by Josh "Jobby" Benedek, the editor of the "Jobby vs. The World" section where he will shed a light on everything that's wrong (and right) with the world. Josh is also the world's foremost nickname-giver. [josh is the ultimate warrior to the eastern side of the photo below]


in each of my last 19.5 cab rides, the driver has been happily equipped with a blue-tooth in his ear. as he recklessly sweeps through the holy and potholed streets of the city with equal parts guile, grace and indifference, his blue-tooth conversation never ceases. not for a second. not even as he curses quickly in a language i'm unfamliar with. not even when we ram into the car in front of us as part of a five car pile-up. nothing can stop these guys from talking on their bluetooth and the casual demeanor that accompanies their infinite conversations.

but, what i want to know is who are these guys talking to? who possibly has the time to be on the phone with them all day? whose physical and emotional schedule can sync up with that of the blue-toothed cab driver? there is only one possible answer and that possible answer is erotic phone lines. i'm pretty certain of this. standard rates apply.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

what rocks? (home alone 2)

(the perfect summertime christmas movie)

why it rocks: women want him and men want to be him…how many times can you say that about a twelve year old? scene after scene, viewing after viewing, kevin mccallister isn’t afraid to take coolness to the next level. whether he’s clobbering the wet/sticky bandits, practicing his cannonballs or finagling the vacation of a lifetime at the plaza (on his parent’s dime), kevin faces each obstacle with his trademark confident curousity and an infinite  arsenal of zingers. His uncharted coolness led to a slew of imitators (blank check, duncan checks in, 3 ninjas) and everyone in-the-know knows that imitation is the highest form of rocking. 

why else it rocks: the posters and trailers would like for you to believe that Kevin is “lost in new york,” but at no point in the film does he exhibit the tell-tale signs of being lost; fear, dread, confusion, crashing on oceanic flight 815 and held hostage by de-facto members of the dharma initiative. no, never for a second does kevin let the situation overtake him. in fact, he remains exponentially calmer, cooler and collected-er than his parents. this makes kevin more than just a miniature james dean; he is someone and something that all children should strive to be. he is incapable of being lost because where he is, is where he is meant to be. one can only imagine that if children were forced to watch this movie every day for their entire childhood upbringing they would be more often comfortable with their surroundings. 

seriously, what’s the deal with it’s rocking: in home alone 2.0, kevin takes his scheming, scamming and chicanery to a whole new level. but he doesn’t do it alone. he relies on the wonderful services of his electronic sidekick: the talkboy. The talkboy is your basic run of the mill portable variable speed cassette player and recorder, except that it had a playback function that seemed to make it very easy for kevin to pretend to be using his father’s voice. The talkboy was originally conceived as a non-working prop for the movie but in 1993 it was made into a retail version, brought on by a massive letter-writing campaign by young fans of the film. Notable, several spinoff versions were created:

-A pink-colored "Talkgirl", marketed towards females
-Talkboy FX Plus, an ordinary writing pen with a built-in recorder and six buttons that play sound effects.
-Talkgirl FX Plus, also marketed towards females.
-Deluxe Talkboy.
-Talkboy Jr., a pocket-sized version of the recorder.

I spent the majority of my post-home-alone-2 years brining down the garbage, selling used crap and generally sucking up to my parents with the hopes of obtaining a coveted talkboy. by the time I finally had the funds to procure this wonderful futuristic device i was on the wrong side of puberty and walking around with a portable voice-changer would have relegated me to an even lower social strata. still, though, i begged my father to take me to caldor to make the purchase. i had it in my hand, finally about to be the proud owner of something i had wanted three years earlier and my father looked at me with green eyes and steel confidence and said “are you sure you want this?” i cracked, I gave up and put it back. i have never been satisfied with life since. 

one can only assume a movie of such top-caliber would lead to a super nintendo video game of such top-caliber as well, right? well, no, not at all, not even close. here's a clip from the terrible, terribly awful, video game:

Friday, June 5, 2009

top 25 fridays: best TGIF tv shows

where every friday we will delve, dissect and rank very important things.

today's top 25: best tgif tv shows
(criteria includes loveable characters, hilarious hijinx, and overall nostalgic value)

1. full house (if hearing the theme song doesn't whisk you off to a "happy place" then you are simply not a member of the human race)
2. perfect strangers (i've been trying to book a flight to meapos for years)
3. family matters (i still have nightmares centered around urkel. and i don't want to wake up)
4. boy meets world (age ten: lifelong dream is to have a sleepover with corey matthews and shawn. age 11: lifelong dream is revised to have a sleepover with topanga)
5. step by step (the boys made you laugh, the girls broke your hearts, the parents choked you up and cody rocked your world)
6. hangin' with mr. cooper (the greatest show about an nba-player turned substitute teacher in the annals of television)
7. sister, sister (twins seperated at birth never fails. it's just priceless, priceless stuff)
8. sabrina the teenage witch (clarissa continues to explain it all, except this time with a magic wand)
9. mr. belvedere (why was mr. belvedere such a snobby jerk. did he not realize he was a butler?)
10. just the ten of us (growing pains spinoff about famiy with eight children. six of them were girls. one can only assumed all dated mike seaver at one time or another)
11. baby talk (look who's talking ripoff. but tony danza (voice) + scott baio (love interest) = magic)
12. home free (underrated matt perry vehicle)
13. dinosaurs (jim henson dreamed up the concept for the show before he died. it's NOT a shame that he missed it...points for ballsiness though)
14. hi honey, i'm home (brilliant concept show gone awry. here's a summary from our good friends at the wikipedia factory: The series centered around a 1950s sitcom family, the Nielsens (who were named in reference to the Nielsen Ratings system), who were relocated by the "Sitcom Relocation Program" to 1990s New Jersey suburbia after their fictional series, Hi Honey, I'm Hom, stopped being rerun.Episodes focused on the Nielsens attempting to adjust to life in a new era while keeping their true identities a secret. The only regular character that knew the family's true identities was Mike Duff (Peter Benson), the son of the Nielsen's next door neighbor. The Nielsens had a special remote control called the "Turnerizer" (named after Ted Turner, the media mogul who colorized old movies for his networks) which allowed the family to switch between color and black and white)
15. the hughleys (d.l. hughley played a vending machine salesman. perhaps best tv job ever)
16. clueless (not a terrible adaptation. even turk from scrubs reprised his role from the movie)
17. camp wilder (it had potential: hillary swank, jerry o'connell, jay mohr, jared leto. yup, it had potential...)
18. where i live (for those of us that just couldn't get enough doug e doug in our lives)
19. brother's keeper (two and a half men except with the kid from liar liar)
20. billy (short-lived head of the class spinoff centered around an arranged marriage gone awry)
21. on our own (the black party of five)
22. aliens in the family (precursor 3rd rock from the sun. but a really, really bad precursor)
23. you wish (if you took everything that was good about alladin, this is what you'd be left with)
24. teen angel (teenager dies after eating a six-month old hamburger and comes back as an angel. gold! no, wait, not even bronze...
25. two of a kind (nothing beats two of a kind. no, wait. everything beats two of a kind). FUN FACT: the olsen twins appear first and last on our list.

honorable mention: odd man out

Thursday, June 4, 2009

fake interviews with devious people (god. part 1)

through a series of unwieldy bribes, the tyranny rocks crew had the chance to catch up with the lord and savior at his home in boca raton for an exclusive interview. the following is presented verbatim with no embellishments, inferences or extraneous alliterations. [portions of this interview may overlap with god's new autobiography, The Bible 2: What's the Deal with Piety?]

Tyranny Rocks: wow, thank you so much for having us here. it's an honor.
God: yeah, no problem. i haven't done one of these in a long time. few millenia. wow. time flies when...anyway, so i figured, you know, it's time.
TR: do you mind if i just dive right in, cut to the chase?
G: absolutely. go ahead. i'm not a big fan of small talk.
TR: me neither.
G: were created in my image
TR/G: [chuckles]
TR: so, end of sopranos: tony's dead, not dead, what's the deal?
G: jeez. first question. going for the jugular.
TR: you said you didn't like small talk...
G: no, i know. I did. okay, then. spoiler alert: tony's dead. i mean, all the clues are there. and the big enchilada is that flashback of the convo with bobby out on the lake. that's the clincher.
TR: so you have no doubt in your mind.
G: none. zero. i'm omnipotent.
TR: that's right. i always forget that. what's it like? being omnipotent and all.
G: it's good...for the most part.
TR: you seem ambivalent to your omnipotenence.
G: that's absolutely true. everyone thinks 'oh, god's omnipotent, that's so awesome, he knows everything, he's so cool' but let me ask you this: how much fun is the super bowl when you already know who's going to win. and not just that, you know who's going to win the next super bowl and the one after that. fyi: lions in 2016.
TR: never thought of that.
G: no one does. and don't even get me started on dating.
TR: what do you mean?
G: I mean, it's just, like, "too much information" around the clock. for every chick i date, i know who she dated before me, who she'll date after me, i know what she ate for breakfast today, what she ate for breakfast fifteen years ago and where and when she "disposed" of said breakfast. it ain't pretty.
TR: no, i imagine that'd be horrible.
G: i even went to see a hypnotist.
TR: what, to try and induce amnesia or something?
G: exactly!
TR: did it work?
G: it actually did. for about an hour. then the omnipotence just came back twice as strong.
TR: bummer.
G: yeah. anyway. enough about me and my damn omnipotence. what else you got for me?
TR: okay. let's return to that omnipotence thing, though. i'm intrigued. anyway, i'm sure a bunch of people would want to know which is the "true religion." is there a "true religion?"
G: i really can't say. gag clause. terribly sorry about that.
TR: no, no, i understand.
G: damn, i'm sorry.
TR: seriously, it's okay. but since you can't say, you do realize that every day people kill other people over this issue. wars are fought in your name. how does that sit with you?
G: honestly?
TR: always honestly, god...
G: honestly, then: i love it. i love it to no end. i know that makes me kind of a jerk, but i love it.
TR: you love it.
G: call me insecure, call me a sucker for entertainment, but it's really exciting.
TR: really...
G: imagine the feeling of having two women fight over you, except in this case it's two nations. and people are willing to die for you! it's a rush, man.
[at this point god notices my face and his gentle smile briskly turns into a nervous frown. he tries to peer at what i've been writing, but with all the journalist integrity i can muster in the face of the almighty, i cover up my notes.]
G: just kidding! i totally had you. did you believe that? if so, i can't believe you believed that. it was such a joke. such a joke.
TR: good gag, god.
G: alliteration!
TR: i love alliteration.
G: i invented alliteration, you know.
TR: really? that's great.
G: ever heard of the wheel? that was me.
TR: that was a good one. practical, yet shapely.
G: yup, yup. what else you got for me. my juices are flowing. i'm really getting into this...

please tune in next week for Part 2 of TR's exclusive interview with god.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

what rocks? (the claw machine)

the claw machine
(a game of persistence, frustration and taunting by inanimate objects)

why it rocks: the SATs may test “intelligence,” but the claw machine tests character. as such, this online journal vehemently proposes that elite academic institutions abolish usage of standardized testing in lieu of this, the ultimate test. to succeed on the claw machine, the following skills are necessary in abundance: cleverness, patience, perseverance, adaptability, quick decision-making and having money. are those not the exact same skills that universities seek when evaluating applicants?

why else it rocks: winning a stuffed toy in the crane machine is the absolute most perfect gesture to impress a girl. that must be why they are often located in dating hot-spots, like the movie theater, bowling alleys, restaurants and supermarkets. impressive romantic gifts are too often the result of spending a lot of money or having “good taste.” the claw machine levels the playing field and makes impressing ladies about merit. additionally, there is no better way to grow closer to another person than to “win” something together, to have the feeling of being in cahoots together, to feel like it’s just the two of you against a rigged game, against the odds, the world. plus, you get a soft, squishy trophy that becomes a personification of your union. no matter how bad things ever get between the two romancers, there will always be this token of affection, to remind both of “better times.” also: where else can you convert quarters into the possibility of sexual foreplay? 

seriously, what’s the deal with it rocking: it’s only a matter of time before a good idea eventually goes too far. in this instance, our friends in east asia have taken the cake. for example, in china machines have been known to stock domestic and foreign cigarettes. okay, cancer-causing, but not too weird. where things really get fishy, though, is in the supermarkets where some chinese chains fill their machines with crabs and lobsters. in japan, even pet turtles can be won. it can only be a matter of time before adoption agencies use the claw machine to have artificial parents select their babies. utopia, here we come!

AND it’s not just men, women and children of all ages who love the crane machine. but aliens like these guys below also go gaga for this great adventure in metaliic-hand gaming:


since being introduced in the 1980s, frustrated teenagers have spent countless days, nights and parts of their crushed soul to argue whether or not the machines are rigged. perhaps we’ll never have this answer (though I think we can all agree that claw machine’s grip is weaker than an arthritic grandmother after a three-hour typing course), but here is evidence that the newer models are most certainly rigged:
late-model, high-end claw machines are fully computerized and are remotely programmable by the owner (via a hand-held device). Settings and features commonly available include

-claw strength and aperture
-motion speed, in any direction (that is, the claw can be made to drop slowly but come up quickly, or move right faster than it moves forward)
-pick-up strength and retain strength can be specified separately, as well as the delay between pick-up and return.
-payout percentage: Cranes equipped with this setting have onboard programming which cause the claw's grip parameters to be continually adjusted to achieve a pre-set payout percentage, usually specified with respect to the value of the prizes inside
-"fail limit": If the machine dispenses too many prizes in a given time period, it stops accepting coins and is "out of order"

Friday, May 29, 2009

top 25 fridays: the best breakfast cereals

where every friday we will delve, dissect and rank very important things.

today's top 25: kickass breakfast cereals.
(criteria includes taste, aftertaste, pre-taste and mascot)

1. cap'n crunch (fresh or soggy; who cares? it's deliciously versatile. and supposedly the only cereal served in heaven)
2. cinammon toast crunch (an army of miniature french toast slices in the trenches of my bowl? sign me up)
3. lucky charms (of course we're always after his lucky charms. those fantastic marshmellows gladly stick to our tongues)
4. corn pops (the best of the vegetable-derived cereals)
5. count chocula (a haunted house of dessert for breakfast)
6. kix (kid tested? wait, so the kids are, like, guinea pigging this thing. awesome)
7. frosted flakes (an all-american classic. the "girl next door" of cereals)
8. fruity pebbles (can't be eaten, only inhaled. it's like eating fruit-flavored oxygen sprinkled with sugar)
9. froot loops (because toucan sam makes me irrationally want to own an exotic bird)
10. honey nut cheerios (a homosexual bumble bee is an odd choice for mascot of such a subtle blend of salty, sweet and savory)
11. super golden crisp (the quickest way to a sugar high. notably knocked many recovered sugaraholics off their wagons)
12. trix (severe demerits for bunny bashing)
13. raisin bran (the only thing in the world that is actually healthy and also tastes good. oh, and bananas.)
14. frosted mini-wheats (outstanding texture. it's like eating an armadillo covered in powdered sugar)
15. apple jacks (too much jacks, too little apple)
16. life (fun fact: the dude who palyed "Mikey," John Gilchrist, is still alive and works as an advertising account manager in New York)
17. rice krispies (only deserves to be ranked when having at least three spoonfuls of sugar)
18. alpha-bits (the most educational of the cavity-causing foods)
19. teenage mutant ninja turtles (an extinct, but amazing promotional cereal from the wild early 90s)
20. oreo o's (death by chocolate...hey, not a bad way to go)
21. cocoa pebbles (a slower death by chocolate...)
22. rice chex (a great once-a-month go-to cereal)
23. cheerios (the matt dillon to honey nut cheerios' kevin)
24. wheaties (the breakfast of champions? really? not ranked at 24.)
25. honey smacks (solid cereal; creepy frog mascot)

honorable mentions: bill & ted's excellent cereal, boo berry, corn flakes, crispix, flutie flakes, golden grahams, teddy grahams breakfast bears graham cereal
reluctant honorable mention: Frankenberry (courtesy of @katieguhl)

(note: none of these cereals contain nuts due to my immense nut allergy)
(other note: except "honey nut cheerios" because it's so good sometimes i "chance" it).

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

how to succeed at...hide & seek:

hide and seek is a wonderful game which measures intellect, ingenuinity, attrition and boredom.
if you wish to add "dominant hide and seek skills" to your resume, here is a brief list of strategies that can be implemented to increase your ranking:

the hiders:
-use the restroom before engaging in competition. there's nothing that ruins a good hiding spot faster than a killer bladder.
-turn off your phone. catchy ringtones may be cool, but they can also be uncool giveaways.
-control your breating. if you're a mouth breather, try going nose. if you're an ashmatic, just quit.
-location, location, location? false. in the land of hide & seek, it's stealth, stealth, stealth. therefore, channel your inner tom cruise.
-nevertheless, location is important. so as the creepy dude in indiana jones says: choose wisely.
-avoid hiding under beds. unless your life is actually a 90's sitcom, this hiding spot sucks. (and, if you do live in a 90's sitcom, become great friends with the object of your affection; it will take years for him/her to realize that you should be more than just friends...but it'll happen).
-be honest with yourself. if you played offensive line in high school you shouldn't be hiding in that cranny behind the couch.
-where would waldo hide? amongst the commotion, that's where. part of waldo's talent comes from immersing himself in distraction. hide in places with many goings-on.
-dabble in the taboo: bathrooms, parent's room, underneath the electrical wiring.
-become as small as possible. curl into a ball, a piece of macaroni, a childhood version of yourself.
-while hiding, think of terrible traumas you have incurred throughout your lifetime. these sensitive memories will keep you quiet.
-under no circumstances may you laugh if the seeker passes you. (this is a strangely valid reminder).
-when you are finally found, claim the seeker has cheated. tell him the round is played "under protest." consequently, you remain undefeated.

the seekers:
-count down softly, use this time period to listen for clues.
-eyes on the prize. but also nose, ears, cheek and tongue. don't be afraid to use your senses.
-remember that you are harry potter and the hider is your golden snitch.
-try to rattle your opponent. slander him/her verbally as you seek, trying to get a reaction.
-use your resources; round up pets to cover more ground
-if you are struggling, pretend to quit. this will anger the hider.
-if you are playing with multiple persons, use those you have found to narc out others.
-don't give up. don't ever give up. your reputation, self-esteem and self-perception are riding on it.


Sunday, May 24, 2009

what rocks? (people who hassle seat-savers)

people who hassle seat-savers
(highly evolved persons)

why they rock: you walk into a movie theater. you are highly excited for this movie. you saw the trailer ten months ago and for that long you have used a portion of the back of your mind to consider if this movie will live up to the expectations you have set. regardless, today will be a memorable day. you will either love this movie and admire your predictive instincts or despise it and make a mental note to increase your level of skepticism. many people share this goal of revelation and therefore the theater is packed. where will you sit? the only seats left seem to be in the front (damn you for being so nonchalant about getting to the theater, damn you for thinking that when the cashier said there were seats still available you were in the clear). you can’t believe that you are going to be forced to sit in the front. but, huzzah! you notice three empty seats. you start walking to these seats. you realize that the life is not out to get you and that, in the end, the world is a benevolent place. or is it? a seemingly normal man or woman bursts your bubble of hope and says “these are saved.” “all three,” you ask. he/she nods. this person that crushed your soul is better known as a seat-saver. 

why else they rock: just as pure evil does and always will exist so do (and always will) seat-savers. since the dawn of time, seat-savers have walked among us. certain historians fiercely believe that judas saved three seats, much to the dismay of last-supper-goers who had no place to sit. they were forced to leave, whispered mutterings and all. The fact is that seat-savers have utterly and completely infiltrated our species. your parents might be seat-savers. your lovers might be seat-savers. even you may just be playing the part of hilarious-article-reader as you prepare for a lifetime of saving way too many seats. the point is, though, that in this world gone awry, a few brave, bold and golden souls have had the guts to stand up to seat-savers. and it’s time we buy hats with long brims and tip said hats accordingly. 

seriously, what’s the deal with their rocking: until movie theaters and other popular seat-filled venues finally pass a law that states every person may save no more than one seat, we need to take matters into our own hands. so, let us return to the second-person theoretical example above. you can either say something like “oh, okay,” or you can make the seat-saver feel extremely terrible. it’s important to your dignity and to the future of mankind that you choose the latter. it is your responsibility as a self-respecting human being to try your best to ruin this persons day. perhaps that sounds cruel/harsh/unnecessary. i assure you, though, this is not the case. in actuality, you are becoming a de fact “teacher of life.” after all, seat-saving is a learned behavior. It comes from the popular children’s game musical chairs which instills young persons with the concept that seating-objects are important and should be hoarded whenever possible. therefore, if we follow the example of those who actively hassle, we can help seat-savers unlearn this undesirable behavior. amen.

a quick list of things to say in order to shame seat-savers…
-you are saving allllllllllllll of those seats (the more l’s, the more shame)
-who do you think you are, saving more than one seat?
-seriously? like, are you being serious? 
-[scoff] + [laugh]
-[scoff] + [laugh] + [eye-roll]
-you are making me very angry and you don’t want to see me when i’m angry (works best if your skin has a greenish hue)
-i would spit on you, but you don’t deserve my saliva
-i hope you die
-i hope you die, and then you find this totally awesome seat in heaven, but then find out it’s being saved so you are forced into an eternal stay in purgatory.

Friday, May 22, 2009

top 25 fridays: rating the letters of the alphabet

where every friday we will delve, dissect and rank very important things.

today's top 25: best letters of the alphabet.
(criteria includes sound, shape, words where this letter can be found and "je ne sais quoi")

1. y (the famous sometimes-y is the object of every letter's envy)
2. k ("c" in diguise)
3. m (as dignified as any ambassador out there)
4. g (the silent killer)
5. q (the beauty of rarity)
6. i (the top-ranked vowel; signifies imaginary numbers)
7. w (the classy thug)
8. j (always a wonderful surprise, wherever it flies)
9. p (necessary to form penguin)
10. e (useful in conjoined twin-form)
11. z (bonus points for being the most onomatopoeiac)
12. n (m's little brother. good pedigree)
13. s (hard, sharp, clever, sneaky)
14. h (too humble)
15. b (the average joe of letters)
16. o (zero's ugly cousin)
17. r (dangerously volatile)
18. l (great letter; ugly in lowrcase. the butterface of the alphabet)
19. d (happy to fly under the radar)
20. x (needs better marketing. too rare)
21. t (better when iced)
22. c (too wimpy)
23. f (too ugly)
24. v (too similar to the roman numeral 5)
25. a (too pompous. how's it feel at the back of the line there, "a?")
unranked: u (half a "w." lame)

Thursday, May 21, 2009

the cousinette revolution begins...

oh, and cool, you can get your bachelor's degree online in 2 years. now i feel like a complete idiot for going that remedial 4-year route.  Share/Save/Bookmark

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

shortcuts into heaven...

want to live out eternity on the beaches of paradise? hobnob with james dean, mother teresa and walter matthau? sounds pretty perfect, right? except for all the faith, piety and years of “good works” required to get in. if only there was a secret stairway into heaven…lo and behold, now there is! 

if you want to make the world an instantly better place all you have to do is add the following below into your everyday vernacular:

cousinette [kuhz-uh-net]
– noun

a cousin of the female variety

sick of hearing people talk about their “cousins” but not knowing whether they are referring to male cousins or female cousins? endure this travesty no longer. It’s time we rip a page out a page from the romance-language playbook. the spanish differentiate between male cousins (primos) and female cousins (primas) as do the ever-hip French with cousin (male) and cousine (female). even in english we have different words for nieces and nephews. cousinette is an idea whose time has come. therefore, i urge you, with all my heart, all my soul and all my functional organs: let’s make this happen, let’s get cousinette into our thoughts, conversations and family trees. 


1. i have two cousins named josh and jimmy and one cousinette named kelly.
2. my dad’s brother’s daughter? oh, you mean my cousinette.
3. i couldn’t find a date for prom, so i invited my cousinette.
4. i couldn’t find a date for prom, so i invited my cousinette, but she said that was disgusting so i’m going with this prostitute i met on the world wide web. she loves the mets!


editor’s note: in addition to being an awesome new slang english word, cousinette also refers to a vegetable-based french soup. For those who want to take this whole cousinette thing to the next level and throw cousinette parties and whatnot, here is a recipe to make it the perfect occasion.

100g/4oz Fresh Sorrel, washed, de-stalked finely shredded
1 Lettuce, washed and shredded
100g/4oz Fresh Spinach, washed, de-stalked finely shredded
1 large bunch Flat Leaved Parsley
120ml/4 fl.oz. Crème Frâiche
1L/35fl.oz. Water
Plenty of Salt and White Pepper
Rye Bread to serve

1. Wash the parsley well then tie into a bunch with string. Cut of the top leafy parts and chop roughly, reserving the bunch of stalks still tied together.
2. Place the water, parsley stalks, salt and pepper in a large saucepan, bring to the boil then add the remaining ingredients. Mix well, reduce the heat and simmer for 10 minutes.
3. Remove the parsley stalks, check the seasoning then stir in the crème fraiche.
4. To serve - place a piece of rye bread into 4 individual serving bowls then pour the soup over the top. Serve immediately.
(this word was co-created with the hilarious and highly rational Dave Kushner. like the theoretical prostitute prom date, he too loves the mets). Share/Save/Bookmark

belated new years resolutions (5/20/09)

-sneer at ugly babies that i pass on the street
-greet enemies with the phrase "bad morning"
-sneeze more frequently and with greater gusto.
-figure out what, exactly, is a "bushel" and a "peck"
-improve my non-existant thumb-wrestling skills
-start an elaborate prank that will make my mother think she is going crazy and stay committed to the fulfilment of such prank until mother is about to check into an asylum at which point i give her a dynamic hug and reveal the mystery.
-save my thank yous for only those situations in which I acquire something of monetary value.
-eat more grilled cheese.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

what rocks? (professor xavier)

professor charles xavier
(the martin luther king jr. of mutants) 
(the phil jackson of caped crusaders) 
(the world’s foremost handicapped superhero)

why he rocks: wolverine gets all the hype and cyclops gets all the chicks,  so what exactly does professor charles xavier, the leader of the x-men, get? apparently male pattern baldness and a rusty wheelchair. doesn’t sound like a fair deal. after all, without professor x, it’s a good bet that wolverine would be stuck in the middle of nowhere, playing bass for a loud, lame garage band and pretty boy cyclops would have been forced to gouge his own eyes out (great job blake! wonderful reference to homer’s odyssey) and living out his days as a benchwarmer for a beep baseball. therefore at his core, professor xavier is a life-changer. so what’s the best way to honor a life-changer such as he? i say that if martin luther king jr. gets a holiday, then professor x deserves one too. and it should be a thursday holiday, because there are no holidays on thursdays and a Thursday holiday would create a de facto four-day weekend.

why else he rocks: for giving a good name to peeping toms everywhere. in order to make better use of his astounding telepathic and telekinetic powers, professor x created a device called cerebro, which allows him to tap into the minds and hearts of mutants around the globe. yeah, so basically he uses an omnipotent binocular/microscope to spy on anyone, anywhere at anytime. megan’s law anyone? hold your freaked out horses. professor xavier is a living saint who only uses this enormous voyeur-viewer for good. plus, let’s face it, and i don’t mean to sound like a full-time jerk, but there’s a pretty solid chance that his “powers below the belt” are as functional as his limp legs.

seriously, what’s the deal with his rocking: creating the xavier school for gifted youngsters is all well and good, but what really separates the x-men from the boys is the danger room, the coolest room ever created in the history of history. it’s more expensive than a five-star hotel room, more fun than a chucke e. cheese birthday room and more functional than a bathroom. the danger room is where professor Xavier trains his students for battle as if they were superpowered chess pieces. the room has everything: booby traps, projectile firing devices, flamethrowers, collapsing walls, futuristic force-fields and life-like holographic enemies who attack like there’s no tomorrow. in a nutshell: it’s awesome. in a bigger nutshell: it’s supercalifragilously awesome. the moral of the story is that professor x succeeded where so many great minds have failed, in creating a human-sized version of the board game mousetrap. take that, einstein! if creating a studious sanctuary for the genetically gifted doesn’t earn you a thursday holiday, creating the world’s best battle-training room should be more than enough. after all, we live in a country that places education second to a military-industrial fetish.  

exhibit a: the danger room

exhibit b: the board game mousetrap

don't forget to comment; they say people who leave comments are likely to outlive their non-commenting counterparts by 4.37 years. Imagine all the wonderful things you could do with that extra 4.37 years! Share/Save/Bookmark

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

what rocks? (rc cola)

rc cola
(aka royal crown cola)
(aka “the ross perot of cola beverages”)

why it rocks: because anything with the word “royal” in it makes you feel like a king/queen. throw in the bonus of drinking a beverage with an acronym – because all acronyms are cool, except the ones that phonetically spell words different from their actual spelling (i.e. KEWL; Knowledge Environment for Web-based Learng) – and one can’t help but be seduced into a self-esteem spree when drinking the luxurious, luscious, luminous cola-riffic liquid goodness that is rc cola. 

why else it rocks: because in the 1950s, the combination of rc cola and moonpies became known as the “working man’s lunch” in the american south. i keep re-reading the previous sentence for the pure joy of salivating. also, i know what i'll be eating for lunch tomorrow and the next two hundred days after that.

seriously, what’s the deal with it rocking: how can one NOT imagine the following scenario: a jubilant, rambunctious pre-teen with angelic pigtails goes by the name goldilocks. it’s a brilliantly warm summer day and she is extensively bored. so she runs away from home following a dispute with her brother over the mating habits of goldfish and runs into the woods. like all small children, she is at first fascinated by the woods, then bored by them and then petrified by their towering shadows as the sun begins to dip into the oblivion of the horizon. before a panic attack ensues, goldilocks finds a home that just so happens to be owned by a clan of soda-enthusiasts who also just so happen to be bears. she knocks, there is no answer. the damn sun continues to retire behind the hills and goldilocks gets desperate. she slips in nimbly through the broken window behind the house. it’s been a long day, she is thirsty, she thinks she is dying of thirst, then remembers that it takes several weeks to die of thirst but then worries that maybe she is the exception to this rule. she has already come this far – running away from home, fantasizing about her stupid brother’s violent death, breaking and entering – why not add thieving food and drink to her list. so she opens the refrigerator, allowing a chilly breeze to evaporate into and throughout the cozy unknown home; she smiles, a prelude to the drink she will soon imbibe. first, she pulls out a can of poppa bear’s pepsi. she takes a sip, spits it out and declares this soda “tastes much too plastic-y.” then she takes a swig of momma bear’s coke, which she also spits out and declares “too damn sugary.” her pulse increases dynamically, sweat multiplies and slurs into the nooks of her undeveloped body. is there a beverage out there that can possibly satiate her furious and mysterious desires? in an act of desperation, she reaches for baby bear’s rc cola. her sip turns into a gulp turns into a swig turns into a chug. she smiles permanently, relieved, revived, herself again. “this is juuuuuuuust right,” she echoes, speaking to herself and also to no one all at once. just then, she hears keys ricochet into the door. she grabs the 24-pack of baby bear’s rc cola and escapes out the back window. she turns back momentarily, removes a photo of her brother and writes on the back “ha! i stole your rc cola. it was awesome. i regret nothing.” she leaves and vanishes into the night. 

want to see the cheapest commercial ever produced in the history of television? 

(estimated retail cost: $.02333333333)


Sunday, May 10, 2009

what rocks? (totally non-jewish stage names)

totally non-jewish stage names
('berg is for the b-listers)

why they rock: they say that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but apparently nothing smells sweeter than a totally non-jewish rose. ("they" being romeo, shakespeare, rabid english teachers and parrots who commonly quote 16th century literature). in the jungle that is acting, it’s easy to understand the desire for a most memorable moniker, but it's notable that achieving this goal so often results in jewish men and women with very jewish men and women’s names choosing to "ditch" or "eighty-six" their aforementioned very jewish names for very not jewish surrogate surnames. so not jewish that you'd think these lovely men and women couldn't pick a latka out of an appetizer line-up. 

this isn't merely a one time occurrence. it happens all the time. almost every day. sometimes even twice a day! one cannot deny, then, that it happens quite a bit. to honor these brave men and women, please meet our totally non-jewish alias all-stars:

the starting five
jon stewart (leibowitz
natalie portman (hershlag)
jason alexander (greenspan)
albert brooks (einstein)
brad garrett (gerstenfeld)

6th man
michael ian black (schwartz)
woody allen
(born Allen Stewart Konigsberg; circa December 1, 1876)

paul rudd
(rudnitzky; paul's name was actually changed by his family before he was ever conceived, but it’s likely that his ancestors predicted unborn Paul would one day grace the silver screen with his likeable averagejoeness and, as such, they altered his name accordingly)

one can't help but admit that above lingers an impressive squad. in fact, i'd venture to wager that they would most likely kick the crap out of the harlem wizards. in acting. not basketball. but perhaps a short film about basketball. 

why else they rock: let’s face it: we live in an enormous world. and anyone and anything that can help us condense the infinite bits of data that swirl around us into bite-size pieces ought to be rewarded and perhaps even given a key to the city. and let’s also face it: jewish names are long. they make mississippi look monosyllabic. it’s for this reason that we must take a moment and pay homage to those bold souls who had the guts, gall and balls to take a sharpie to their birth certificate. the members of the alias all-stars (and, also, the less successful people who didn’t make our list deserve and live off unemployment and have a stack of unused headshots haunting their desk), they’re the folks who are making the world a better place. they give us the gift of brevity and catchiness, and they give us this gift on a daily basis. all of this, though, begs the question: why is it that jewish names, then, tend to be so un-catchy? why must they so often lack panache? and, ultimately, is anti-semetism really just pro-panache? 

seriously, what's the deal with their rocking: once upon a time there was an exuberant young lady blessed with a sly smile and hair that would have made medusa stare at the mirror in jealousy. her name was caryn elaine johnson. caryn was a revolutionary, a rebel, a radical and defied the trend of opting for aryan stage names. caryn elaine johnson moved in the opposite direction and tacked on a jewish name, a really jewish name, perhaps even the most jewish name of them all: goldberg. As mentioned above, caryn elaine goldberg was smart. some might even say she was a smart cookie. i don’t quite understand the etymology of that phrase, but i do like the image it invokes and must admit that her next decision certainly earns her smart cookie status. caryn elaine goldberg faced the same problem that the artists later known as jon stewart and natalie portman faced: her name lacked panache, and it lacked it real bad. so she once again took matters into her own hands and this time took the first name of her favorite practical joke item: the whoopee cushion. her name: whoopi goldberg. whoopi stands as sort of a cautionary tale. she goes to show that if you want to make it with a ‘berg you’re probably going to have to go big with your first name, preferably dubbing yourself after a practical joke item. and i for one, as a jew, a writer, a consumer of pop culture, admit that i don’t think the daily show would be nearly as popular if it starred chinesefingertrap leibowitz. i mean, would you watch that?

are you an unsuccessful actor in need of a gimmicky jolt?
here’s how you can come up with a totally non-jewish stage name!

take your first name and add one of the following:
-your first pet’s middle name.
-the street that your favorite cartoon family lives on.
-the name of poplar root beer bottler.
-your favorite kitchen utensil.
-your favorite winter olympic athlete’s nickname.
-a socially acceptable curse word and/or ethnic slur
-your favorite onomatopoeia.

congratulations, you now have a non-jewish stage name!
nothing can stop you now…except perhaps mosquitos and bureaucracy.
but hey, almost noting can stop you now!