sorry gang, for the lack of copiousness on TR. things have been super busy trying to finish up edit on an 88-minute movie about rock, paper, scissors.
but like Lord Voldemort, we will be back: bigger and better at an enormous pace.
bjh
I haven't heard a solid knock-knock in years. I'm starting to get very suspicious. If anybody has any information about the possible whereabouts of the seemingly extinct knock-kock jokes, please alert the big-whigs of this website immediately. there are possible awards to be garnered.
be vigilant and show no haste.
where every friday we will delve, dissect and rank very important things.
today's top 25: famous "other" Michael Jacksons
(criteria includes: similarities to the white-gloved wonder, success within field and overall Michael Jackson-ness)
1. Michael P. Jackson - U.S. Deputy Secretary (in addition to a brief but wonderful stint as Deputy Secretary of the Department of Homeland security, this Michael Jackson hobknobbed his way into working for two presidencies (George H.W. Bush and Ronald "don't call me Pagan" Reagan. he eventually resigned effective October 26, 2007, "for financial reasons I can no longer ignore." apparently financial woes despite high-profile jobs is a theme among Michael Jacksons.)
2. Michael George Jackson – German Pop musician (a German born English singer-songwriter and the co-writer of the song, "Blame It on the Boogie". Jackson recorded and released his version of the song at the same time as The Jacksons. the press at the time enjoyed the similarity in the names and release coincidence, calling the situation 'boogie wars' as the two records jockied for chart positions. oh, how i miss the days of the boogie wars.)
3. Michael Ray Jackson – baseball relief pitcher (played with the Phillies, Giants, Reds, Astros, Mariners, Indians, Twins and White Sox. Jackson's best year in the majors was in 1998 with the Indians, saving 40 games with a 1.55 ERA. not the most athletic of the michael jacksons, but the most successfully athletic of the clan.)
4. Salman Raduyev (a.k.a. “Michael Jackson) - Chechen warlord (a Chechen separatist warlord considered to be one of the most radical and notorious Chechen rebel commanders of the period between 1994 and 1999. arrested in 2000, he died in a Russian penal colony in mysterious circumstances. in early 1999, Raduyev vanished from public again while undergoing a major plastic surgery in Germany, in effect acquiring a new face. The alleged implants of titanium earned him the nickname of "Titanic" in Russia, while in Chechnya he became popularly known as "Michael Jackson." nothing like a good nickname.)
5. Michael D. Jackson - post-modern New Zealand anthropologist (Jackson is the founder of existential/phenomenological anthropology, a sub-field of anthropology using ethnographical fieldwork as well as existential theories of being in order to explore modes of being and interpersonal relationships as they exist in various cultural settings throughout the world. urban legend claims that this apparently inspired the song “Man in the Mirror”)
6. Mick Jackson – director (directed the 1987 docudrama Life Story, with Jeff Goldblum and Tim Pigott-Smith. does anybody actually know what a docudrama is? better question: does anybody know why Jeff Goldblum isn’t helming a superhero series? Green Lantern anyone?)
7. Michael James Jackson - priest and Canon in the Church of England (i thought i'd be able to come up with a kickass Michael Jackson loves kids and priest loves kids jokes. but apparently i'm tapped. damnit. superbly disappointed with my AM creativity. damnit x 2.)
8. Michael Jackson - 18 December 1734 – 10 April 1801 – (soldier from Massachusetts. Wounded at bunker hill. but seriously, who wasn’t injured at bunker hill. hell of a bunker. and hill.)
9. Michael Jackson, Jr – son of #8 Michael Jackson (lived miserably in Sr.’s shadow)
10. Naea Michael Jackson - Niuean journalist and former politician (he published the Tohi Tala Niue, Niue's government-owned weekly newspaper. what's in a name, anyway?)
11. Michael Dwayne Jackson – former NFL Wide Receiver (fun fact: Jackson is a member of Alpha Phi Alpha, the first intercollegiate Greek-letter fraternity established for African Americans. throw that on his tombstone.)
12. Michael A. Jackson - Sheriff of Prince George's County, Maryland (pursuant to Maryland Common Law, Jackson's position as the elected sheriff makes him the senior law enforcement official of his jurisdiction and his authority overrides all others.)
13. Mike and Michelle Jackson - Australian children's singer, songwriter, musician, radio show hosts (mike taught himself harmonica in high school and acquired a taste comic songs from his grandfather and the radio. he branched out onto other instruments and acquired a reputation for being able to get a tune out of almost anything.
14. Michael Richard Jackson - British television producer and executive (notable for being one of only three people to have been Controller of both BBC One and BBC Two. Jackson was at times criticised for relying more on US imports than home-grown material, with Ally McBeal, The West Wing and Sex and the City all arriving at the broadcaster during his time there. wait. so the US actually does export something? intriguing...)
15. Michael Warren Jackson - another former Major League Baseball relief pitcher(played from 1970 to 1973 for the Phillies, Cardinals, Royals and Indians. Jackson finished his career with a 2-3 record and a 5.80 ERA.)
16. Michael (Mike) Jackson - Canadian actor (Jackson is most famous for his role as Trevor on the popular comedy series Trailer Park Boys and the unnamed pimp from Hobo With A Shotgun. i prefer pimps without names to pimps with names. personal prefence.)
17. Michael Jackson – Bishop (has bishopped the Church of Ireland Bishop of Clogher since 2002. His father, Roy Jackson, was an archdeacon.)
18. General Sir Michael Jackson - former head of the British Army (he served in the NATO chain of command as a deputy to the Supreme Allied Commander Europe, General Wesley Clark. in this capacity, he is best known for refusing, in June 1999, to block the runways of the Russian-occupied Pristina Airport, to isolate the Russian troops there. ballsy gent.)
19. Michael C. Jackson - a British systems scientist (currently Professor of Management Systems and Dean of Hull University Business School.)
20. Michael “Mike” Jackson – fictional character (a recurring fictional character in the early novels by British comic writer P. G. Wodehouse, being a good friend of Psmith. he appears in all the Psmith books. Mike is a solid, reliable character with a strong sense of fair play, but an appetite for excitement and a stubbornness that often leads him into trouble. he is a keen and talented cricketer, and comes from a cricketing family.)
21. Michael Derek Jackson – former basketball player (in his NBA career, Jackson played in 89 games and scored a total of 188 points. he was a member of Georgetown's 1984 National Championship team...where he had a first-hand face-to-face glimpse at Patrick Ewing's nostrils on a daily basis.)
22. Michael Jackson – alcohol enthusiast (an English writer and journalist. he was the author of several influential books about beer and whisky.
23. Michael Jackson – former football player (played linebacker for eight seasons on the Seattle Seahawks. Jackson is also very active off the field with several charities including the March of Dimes, Special Olympics, and the United Way. the linebacking philanthropist; the movie writes itself. franchise anyone?)
24. Michael J. Jackson - English actor (Jackson made several appearances in the television series Highlander: The Series in 1996-1997. fun fact: in 1999 Jackson attended the Chronicles 1999 Highlander convention in Birmingham, United Kingdom. he took part in a Question & Answers session along with other cast members.)
25. J. Michael “Mike” Jackson – politician (born 20 August 1953. he is a Republican member of the Texas Senate representing the 11th District.)
Michael P. Jackson now carries the proverbial "name torch" (pictured below)
sometimes I have a really bad dream (i.e. nightmare, embarassing moment replayed, horrifying sexual fantasy involving model airplanes) and when i wake up i'm still riled up and upset from this terrible unconscious experience.
but then sometimes i have a totally awesome dream (i.e. infinite-sized house, swimming pool filled with foreign currency, dating a female leprechaun) and when i wake up i get riled that it wasn't real and i get upset about this wonderful unconscious experience.
that's why i try to shoot for mediocre dreams (i.e. waiting IN line at starbucks). but usually it doesn't work. and that's why dreams suck. (thanks for the correction, Cindy. Grammar is usually my most attractive quality.)
Pajamas
(like a blanket…that you wear)
(popular clothing choice among bananas)
-climb mount everest. twice
-start rumor about secret 8th harry potter book
-start online dating service which only features people's old baby photos
-stare coldly at people who eat on the subway
-find ways to incorporate a magnifying glass into my daily life
-convince friend to buy not one, but two dogs. convince friend to name dogs "beebop" and "rocksteady"
-figure out how to create an iced-tea, iced-coffee combo. (market widely as iced-coftea)
-pioneer edible suntan lotion movement
-acquire chicken pox and infect brother. when he gets terribly sick, smile at him and say "now we're even"
-learn cartography and impress strangers by using the word latitutde in context
look, the general concept of a subway is a great idea– an underground expressway of transportation. However, the general experience of riding the subway in NYC is one of the worst 15 minutes of my day. whether it’s the smoldering heat of being 15 feet below the ground, the lack of consistent trains during commuter hours, the general smell (which is a mixture of urine, booze and BO) or overpopulation of people in each car, i'm sure we can all agree that the subway is as close to hell's waiting room as you can get. so, since we're all probably equally as upset/angry/depressed/nauseated by this state of affairs, there are a few behaviors that can be curbed or amended to make these experiences a little better for all of us.
1. while waiting on the subway platform, please do not stand directly behind or next to me. there is plenty of space to the right or left. i do not hold the magic power to predict that the subway door will open up right in front of me.
2. in no way do I want to touch or rub up against you. why would you want to rub up against me?
3. if seated on a crowded train, please wait for the doors to open before you get up.
4. even though you are wearing headphones, we still hear the music coming out – just turn it down.
and while we're busy making the subway world a better place, here's a few thoughts for the geniuses behind this monstrosity:
dear MTA,
can you please let us know when the nearest train will arrive. it does us no good when someone gets on the microphone and says a downtown express train is approaching 42nd street. yes, i see it; it's right in front of me. and i know sometimes you like to mention when a train is one station away but how about a little consistency please. london has had an approximate arrival time ticker for years now. in fact, so does prague. i think even ancient rome had one of those tickers. oh, and nice try to the MTA guy at Union Square. just because you replay the same announcement over and over that doesn't count.
[josh is the ultimate warrior to the eastern side of the photo below][josh is the ultimate warrior to the eastern side of the photo below][josh is the ultimate warrior to the eastern side of the photo below](the perfect summertime christmas movie)
one can only assume a movie of such top-caliber would lead to a super nintendo video game of such top-caliber as well, right? well, no, not at all, not even close. here's a clip from the terrible, terribly awful, video game:where every friday we will delve, dissect and rank very important things.
today's top 25: best tgif tv shows
(criteria includes loveable characters, hilarious hijinx, and overall nostalgic value)
1. full house (if hearing the theme song doesn't whisk you off to a "happy place" then you are simply not a member of the human race)
2. perfect strangers (i've been trying to book a flight to meapos for years)
3. family matters (i still have nightmares centered around urkel. and i don't want to wake up)
4. boy meets world (age ten: lifelong dream is to have a sleepover with corey matthews and shawn. age 11: lifelong dream is revised to have a sleepover with topanga)
5. step by step (the boys made you laugh, the girls broke your hearts, the parents choked you up and cody rocked your world)
6. hangin' with mr. cooper (the greatest show about an nba-player turned substitute teacher in the annals of television)
7. sister, sister (twins seperated at birth never fails. it's just priceless, priceless stuff)
8. sabrina the teenage witch (clarissa continues to explain it all, except this time with a magic wand)
9. mr. belvedere (why was mr. belvedere such a snobby jerk. did he not realize he was a butler?)
10. just the ten of us (growing pains spinoff about famiy with eight children. six of them were girls. one can only assumed all dated mike seaver at one time or another)
11. baby talk (look who's talking ripoff. but tony danza (voice) + scott baio (love interest) = magic)
12. home free (underrated matt perry vehicle)
13. dinosaurs (jim henson dreamed up the concept for the show before he died. it's NOT a shame that he missed it...points for ballsiness though)
14. hi honey, i'm home (brilliant concept show gone awry. here's a summary from our good friends at the wikipedia factory: The series centered around a 1950s sitcom family, the Nielsens (who were named in reference to the Nielsen Ratings system), who were relocated by the "Sitcom Relocation Program" to 1990s New Jersey suburbia after their fictional series, Hi Honey, I'm Hom, stopped being rerun.Episodes focused on the Nielsens attempting to adjust to life in a new era while keeping their true identities a secret. The only regular character that knew the family's true identities was Mike Duff (Peter Benson), the son of the Nielsen's next door neighbor. The Nielsens had a special remote control called the "Turnerizer" (named after Ted Turner, the media mogul who colorized old movies for his networks) which allowed the family to switch between color and black and white)
15. the hughleys (d.l. hughley played a vending machine salesman. perhaps best tv job ever)
16. clueless (not a terrible adaptation. even turk from scrubs reprised his role from the movie)
17. camp wilder (it had potential: hillary swank, jerry o'connell, jay mohr, jared leto. yup, it had potential...)
18. where i live (for those of us that just couldn't get enough doug e doug in our lives)
19. brother's keeper (two and a half men except with the kid from liar liar)
20. billy (short-lived head of the class spinoff centered around an arranged marriage gone awry)
21. on our own (the black party of five)
22. aliens in the family (precursor 3rd rock from the sun. but a really, really bad precursor)
23. you wish (if you took everything that was good about alladin, this is what you'd be left with)
24. teen angel (teenager dies after eating a six-month old hamburger and comes back as an angel. gold! no, wait, not even bronze...
25. two of a kind (nothing beats two of a kind. no, wait. everything beats two of a kind). FUN FACT: the olsen twins appear first and last on our list.
honorable mention: odd man out
through a series of unwieldy bribes, the tyranny rocks crew had the chance to catch up with the lord and savior at his home in boca raton for an exclusive interview. the following is presented verbatim with no embellishments, inferences or extraneous alliterations. [portions of this interview may overlap with god's new autobiography, The Bible 2: What's the Deal with Piety?]
Tyranny Rocks: wow, thank you so much for having us here. it's an honor.
God: yeah, no problem. i haven't done one of these in a long time. few millenia. wow. time flies when...anyway, so i figured, you know, it's time.
TR: do you mind if i just dive right in, cut to the chase?
G: absolutely. go ahead. i'm not a big fan of small talk.
TR: me neither.
G: well...you were created in my image
TR/G: [chuckles]
TR: so, end of sopranos: tony's dead, not dead, what's the deal?
G: jeez. first question. going for the jugular.
TR: you said you didn't like small talk...
G: no, i know. I did. okay, then. spoiler alert: tony's dead. i mean, all the clues are there. and the big enchilada is that flashback of the convo with bobby out on the lake. that's the clincher.
TR: so you have no doubt in your mind.
G: none. zero. i'm omnipotent.
TR: that's right. i always forget that. what's it like? being omnipotent and all.
G: it's good...for the most part.
TR: you seem ambivalent to your omnipotenence.
G: that's absolutely true. everyone thinks 'oh, god's omnipotent, that's so awesome, he knows everything, he's so cool' but let me ask you this: how much fun is the super bowl when you already know who's going to win. and not just that, you know who's going to win the next super bowl and the one after that. fyi: lions in 2016.
TR: never thought of that.
G: no one does. and don't even get me started on dating.
TR: what do you mean?
G: I mean, it's just, like, "too much information" around the clock. for every chick i date, i know who she dated before me, who she'll date after me, i know what she ate for breakfast today, what she ate for breakfast fifteen years ago and where and when she "disposed" of said breakfast. it ain't pretty.
TR: no, i imagine that'd be horrible.
G: i even went to see a hypnotist.
TR: what, to try and induce amnesia or something?
G: exactly!
TR: did it work?
G: it actually did. for about an hour. then the omnipotence just came back twice as strong.
TR: bummer.
G: yeah. anyway. enough about me and my damn omnipotence. what else you got for me?
TR: okay. let's return to that omnipotence thing, though. i'm intrigued. anyway, i'm sure a bunch of people would want to know which is the "true religion." is there a "true religion?"
G: i really can't say. gag clause. terribly sorry about that.
TR: no, no, i understand.
G: damn, i'm sorry.
TR: seriously, it's okay. but since you can't say, you do realize that every day people kill other people over this issue. wars are fought in your name. how does that sit with you?
G: honestly?
TR: always honestly, god...
G: honestly, then: i love it. i love it to no end. i know that makes me kind of a jerk, but i love it.
TR: you love it.
G: call me insecure, call me a sucker for entertainment, but it's really exciting.
TR: really...
G: imagine the feeling of having two women fight over you, except in this case it's two nations. and people are willing to die for you! it's a rush, man.
[at this point god notices my face and his gentle smile briskly turns into a nervous frown. he tries to peer at what i've been writing, but with all the journalist integrity i can muster in the face of the almighty, i cover up my notes.]
G: just kidding! i totally had you. did you believe that? if so, i can't believe you believed that. it was such a joke. such a joke.
TR: good gag, god.
G: alliteration!
TR: i love alliteration.
G: i invented alliteration, you know.
TR: really? that's great.
G: also...you ever heard of the wheel? that was me.
TR: that was a good one. practical, yet shapely.
G: yup, yup. what else you got for me. my juices are flowing. i'm really getting into this...
please tune in next week for Part 2 of TR's exclusive interview with god.
the claw machine
(a game of persistence, frustration and taunting by inanimate objects)
where every friday we will delve, dissect and rank very important things.
today's top 25: kickass breakfast cereals.
(criteria includes taste, aftertaste, pre-taste and mascot)
1. cap'n crunch (fresh or soggy; who cares? it's deliciously versatile. and supposedly the only cereal served in heaven)
2. cinammon toast crunch (an army of miniature french toast slices in the trenches of my bowl? sign me up)
3. lucky charms (of course we're always after his lucky charms. those fantastic marshmellows gladly stick to our tongues)
4. corn pops (the best of the vegetable-derived cereals)
5. count chocula (a haunted house of dessert for breakfast)
6. kix (kid tested? wait, so the kids are, like, guinea pigging this thing. awesome)
7. frosted flakes (an all-american classic. the "girl next door" of cereals)
8. fruity pebbles (can't be eaten, only inhaled. it's like eating fruit-flavored oxygen sprinkled with sugar)
9. froot loops (because toucan sam makes me irrationally want to own an exotic bird)
10. honey nut cheerios (a homosexual bumble bee is an odd choice for mascot of such a subtle blend of salty, sweet and savory)
11. super golden crisp (the quickest way to a sugar high. notably knocked many recovered sugaraholics off their wagons)
12. trix (severe demerits for bunny bashing)
13. raisin bran (the only thing in the world that is actually healthy and also tastes good. oh, and bananas.)
14. frosted mini-wheats (outstanding texture. it's like eating an armadillo...an armadillo covered in powdered sugar)
15. apple jacks (too much jacks, too little apple)
16. life (fun fact: the dude who palyed "Mikey," John Gilchrist, is still alive and works as an advertising account manager in New York)
17. rice krispies (only deserves to be ranked when having at least three spoonfuls of sugar)
18. alpha-bits (the most educational of the cavity-causing foods)
19. teenage mutant ninja turtles (an extinct, but amazing promotional cereal from the wild early 90s)
20. oreo o's (death by chocolate...hey, not a bad way to go)
21. cocoa pebbles (a slower death by chocolate...)
22. rice chex (a great once-a-month go-to cereal)
23. cheerios (the matt dillon to honey nut cheerios' kevin)
24. wheaties (the breakfast of champions? really? not ranked at 24.)
25. honey smacks (solid cereal; creepy frog mascot)
honorable mentions: bill & ted's excellent cereal, boo berry, corn flakes, crispix, flutie flakes, golden grahams, teddy grahams breakfast bears graham cereal
reluctant honorable mention: Frankenberry (courtesy of @katieguhl)
(note: none of these cereals contain nuts due to my immense nut allergy)
(other note: except "honey nut cheerios" because it's so good sometimes i "chance" it).
hide and seek is a wonderful game which measures intellect, ingenuinity, attrition and boredom.
if you wish to add "dominant hide and seek skills" to your resume, here is a brief list of strategies that can be implemented to increase your ranking:
the hiders:
-use the restroom before engaging in competition. there's nothing that ruins a good hiding spot faster than a killer bladder.
-turn off your phone. catchy ringtones may be cool, but they can also be uncool giveaways.
-control your breating. if you're a mouth breather, try going nose. if you're an ashmatic, just quit.
-location, location, location? false. in the land of hide & seek, it's stealth, stealth, stealth. therefore, channel your inner tom cruise.
-nevertheless, location is important. so as the creepy dude in indiana jones says: choose wisely.
-avoid hiding under beds. unless your life is actually a 90's sitcom, this hiding spot sucks. (and, if you do live in a 90's sitcom, become great friends with the object of your affection; it will take years for him/her to realize that you should be more than just friends...but it'll happen).
-be honest with yourself. if you played offensive line in high school you shouldn't be hiding in that cranny behind the couch.
-where would waldo hide? amongst the commotion, that's where. part of waldo's talent comes from immersing himself in distraction. hide in places with many goings-on.
-dabble in the taboo: bathrooms, parent's room, underneath the electrical wiring.
-become as small as possible. curl into a ball, a piece of macaroni, a childhood version of yourself.
-while hiding, think of terrible traumas you have incurred throughout your lifetime. these sensitive memories will keep you quiet.
-under no circumstances may you laugh if the seeker passes you. (this is a strangely valid reminder).
-when you are finally found, claim the seeker has cheated. tell him the round is played "under protest." consequently, you remain undefeated.
the seekers:
-count down softly, use this time period to listen for clues.
-eyes on the prize. but also nose, ears, cheek and tongue. don't be afraid to use your senses.
-remember that you are harry potter and the hider is your golden snitch.
-try to rattle your opponent. slander him/her verbally as you seek, trying to get a reaction.
-use your resources; round up pets to cover more ground
-if you are struggling, pretend to quit. this will anger the hider.
-if you are playing with multiple persons, use those you have found to narc out others.
-don't give up. don't ever give up. your reputation, self-esteem and self-perception are riding on it.
people who hassle seat-savers
(highly evolved persons)
why they rock: you walk into a movie theater. you are highly excited for this movie. you saw the trailer ten months ago and for that long you have used a portion of the back of your mind to consider if this movie will live up to the expectations you have set. regardless, today will be a memorable day. you will either love this movie and admire your predictive instincts or despise it and make a mental note to increase your level of skepticism. many people share this goal of revelation and therefore the theater is packed. where will you sit? the only seats left seem to be in the front (damn you for being so nonchalant about getting to the theater, damn you for thinking that when the cashier said there were seats still available you were in the clear). you can’t believe that you are going to be forced to sit in the front. but, huzzah! you notice three empty seats. you start walking to these seats. you realize that the life is not out to get you and that, in the end, the world is a benevolent place. or is it? a seemingly normal man or woman bursts your bubble of hope and says “these are saved.” “all three,” you ask. he/she nods. this person that crushed your soul is better known as a seat-saver.
why else they rock: just as pure evil does and always will exist so do (and always will) seat-savers. since the dawn of time, seat-savers have walked among us. certain historians fiercely believe that judas saved three seats, much to the dismay of last-supper-goers who had no place to sit. they were forced to leave, whispered mutterings and all. The fact is that seat-savers have utterly and completely infiltrated our species. your parents might be seat-savers. your lovers might be seat-savers. even you may just be playing the part of hilarious-article-reader as you prepare for a lifetime of saving way too many seats. the point is, though, that in this world gone awry, a few brave, bold and golden souls have had the guts to stand up to seat-savers. and it’s time we buy hats with long brims and tip said hats accordingly.
seriously, what’s the deal with their rocking: until movie theaters and other popular seat-filled venues finally pass a law that states every person may save no more than one seat, we need to take matters into our own hands. so, let us return to the second-person theoretical example above. you can either say something like “oh, okay,” or you can make the seat-saver feel extremely terrible. it’s important to your dignity and to the future of mankind that you choose the latter. it is your responsibility as a self-respecting human being to try your best to ruin this persons day. perhaps that sounds cruel/harsh/unnecessary. i assure you, though, this is not the case. in actuality, you are becoming a de fact “teacher of life.” after all, seat-saving is a learned behavior. It comes from the popular children’s game musical chairs which instills young persons with the concept that seating-objects are important and should be hoarded whenever possible. therefore, if we follow the example of those who actively hassle, we can help seat-savers unlearn this undesirable behavior. amen.
a quick list of things to say in order to shame seat-savers…
-you are saving allllllllllllll of those seats (the more l’s, the more shame)
-who do you think you are, saving more than one seat?
-seriously? like, are you being serious?
-[scoff]
-[scoff] + [laugh]
-[scoff] + [laugh] + [eye-roll]
-you are making me very angry and you don’t want to see me when i’m angry (works best if your skin has a greenish hue)
-i would spit on you, but you don’t deserve my saliva
-i hope you die
-i hope you die, and then you find this totally awesome seat in heaven, but then find out it’s being saved so you are forced into an eternal stay in purgatory.
where every friday we will delve, dissect and rank very important things.
today's top 25: best letters of the alphabet.
(criteria includes sound, shape, words where this letter can be found and "je ne sais quoi")
1. y (the famous sometimes-y is the object of every letter's envy)
2. k ("c" in diguise)
3. m (as dignified as any ambassador out there)
4. g (the silent killer)
5. q (the beauty of rarity)
6. i (the top-ranked vowel; signifies imaginary numbers)
7. w (the classy thug)
8. j (always a wonderful surprise, wherever it flies)
9. p (necessary to form penguin)
10. e (useful in conjoined twin-form)
11. z (bonus points for being the most onomatopoeiac)
12. n (m's little brother. good pedigree)
13. s (hard, sharp, clever, sneaky)
14. h (too humble)
15. b (the average joe of letters)
16. o (zero's ugly cousin)
17. r (dangerously volatile)
18. l (great letter; ugly in lowrcase. the butterface of the alphabet)
19. d (happy to fly under the radar)
20. x (needs better marketing. too rare)
21. t (better when iced)
22. c (too wimpy)
23. f (too ugly)
24. v (too similar to the roman numeral 5)
25. a (too pompous. how's it feel at the back of the line there, "a?")
unranked: u (half a "w." lame)
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cousinette
-sneer at ugly babies that i pass on the street
-greet enemies with the phrase "bad morning"
-sneeze more frequently and with greater gusto.
-figure out what, exactly, is a "bushel" and a "peck"
-improve my non-existant thumb-wrestling skills
-start an elaborate prank that will make my mother think she is going crazy and stay committed to the fulfilment of such prank until mother is about to check into an asylum at which point i give her a dynamic hug and reveal the mystery.
-save my thank yous for only those situations in which I acquire something of monetary value.
-eat more grilled cheese.
professor charles xavier
(the martin luther king jr. of mutants)
(the phil jackson of caped crusaders)
(the world’s foremost handicapped superhero)
why he rocks: wolverine gets all the hype and cyclops gets all the chicks, so what exactly does professor charles xavier, the leader of the x-men, get? apparently male pattern baldness and a rusty wheelchair. doesn’t sound like a fair deal. after all, without professor x, it’s a good bet that wolverine would be stuck in the middle of nowhere, playing bass for a loud, lame garage band and pretty boy cyclops would have been forced to gouge his own eyes out (great job blake! wonderful reference to homer’s odyssey) and living out his days as a benchwarmer for a beep baseball. therefore at his core, professor xavier is a life-changer. so what’s the best way to honor a life-changer such as he? i say that if martin luther king jr. gets a holiday, then professor x deserves one too. and it should be a thursday holiday, because there are no holidays on thursdays and a Thursday holiday would create a de facto four-day weekend.
why else he rocks: for giving a good name to peeping toms everywhere. in order to make better use of his astounding telepathic and telekinetic powers, professor x created a device called cerebro, which allows him to tap into the minds and hearts of mutants around the globe. yeah, so basically he uses an omnipotent binocular/microscope to spy on anyone, anywhere at anytime. megan’s law anyone? hold your freaked out horses. professor xavier is a living saint who only uses this enormous voyeur-viewer for good. plus, let’s face it, and i don’t mean to sound like a full-time jerk, but there’s a pretty solid chance that his “powers below the belt” are as functional as his limp legs.
seriously, what’s the deal with his rocking: creating the xavier school for gifted youngsters is all well and good, but what really separates the x-men from the boys is the danger room, the coolest room ever created in the history of history. it’s more expensive than a five-star hotel room, more fun than a chucke e. cheese birthday room and more functional than a bathroom. the danger room is where professor Xavier trains his students for battle as if they were superpowered chess pieces. the room has everything: booby traps, projectile firing devices, flamethrowers, collapsing walls, futuristic force-fields and life-like holographic enemies who attack like there’s no tomorrow. in a nutshell: it’s awesome. in a bigger nutshell: it’s supercalifragilously awesome. the moral of the story is that professor x succeeded where so many great minds have failed, in creating a human-sized version of the board game mousetrap. take that, einstein! if creating a studious sanctuary for the genetically gifted doesn’t earn you a thursday holiday, creating the world’s best battle-training room should be more than enough. after all, we live in a country that places education second to a military-industrial fetish.
exhibit a: the danger room
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rc cola
(aka royal crown cola)
(aka “the ross perot of cola beverages”)
