Sunday, May 24, 2009

what rocks? (people who hassle seat-savers)

people who hassle seat-savers
(highly evolved persons)

why they rock: you walk into a movie theater. you are highly excited for this movie. you saw the trailer ten months ago and for that long you have used a portion of the back of your mind to consider if this movie will live up to the expectations you have set. regardless, today will be a memorable day. you will either love this movie and admire your predictive instincts or despise it and make a mental note to increase your level of skepticism. many people share this goal of revelation and therefore the theater is packed. where will you sit? the only seats left seem to be in the front (damn you for being so nonchalant about getting to the theater, damn you for thinking that when the cashier said there were seats still available you were in the clear). you can’t believe that you are going to be forced to sit in the front. but, huzzah! you notice three empty seats. you start walking to these seats. you realize that the life is not out to get you and that, in the end, the world is a benevolent place. or is it? a seemingly normal man or woman bursts your bubble of hope and says “these are saved.” “all three,” you ask. he/she nods. this person that crushed your soul is better known as a seat-saver. 

why else they rock: just as pure evil does and always will exist so do (and always will) seat-savers. since the dawn of time, seat-savers have walked among us. certain historians fiercely believe that judas saved three seats, much to the dismay of last-supper-goers who had no place to sit. they were forced to leave, whispered mutterings and all. The fact is that seat-savers have utterly and completely infiltrated our species. your parents might be seat-savers. your lovers might be seat-savers. even you may just be playing the part of hilarious-article-reader as you prepare for a lifetime of saving way too many seats. the point is, though, that in this world gone awry, a few brave, bold and golden souls have had the guts to stand up to seat-savers. and it’s time we buy hats with long brims and tip said hats accordingly. 

seriously, what’s the deal with their rocking: until movie theaters and other popular seat-filled venues finally pass a law that states every person may save no more than one seat, we need to take matters into our own hands. so, let us return to the second-person theoretical example above. you can either say something like “oh, okay,” or you can make the seat-saver feel extremely terrible. it’s important to your dignity and to the future of mankind that you choose the latter. it is your responsibility as a self-respecting human being to try your best to ruin this persons day. perhaps that sounds cruel/harsh/unnecessary. i assure you, though, this is not the case. in actuality, you are becoming a de fact “teacher of life.” after all, seat-saving is a learned behavior. It comes from the popular children’s game musical chairs which instills young persons with the concept that seating-objects are important and should be hoarded whenever possible. therefore, if we follow the example of those who actively hassle, we can help seat-savers unlearn this undesirable behavior. amen.

a quick list of things to say in order to shame seat-savers…
-you are saving allllllllllllll of those seats (the more l’s, the more shame)
-who do you think you are, saving more than one seat?
-seriously? like, are you being serious? 
-[scoff] + [laugh]
-[scoff] + [laugh] + [eye-roll]
-you are making me very angry and you don’t want to see me when i’m angry (works best if your skin has a greenish hue)
-i would spit on you, but you don’t deserve my saliva
-i hope you die
-i hope you die, and then you find this totally awesome seat in heaven, but then find out it’s being saved so you are forced into an eternal stay in purgatory.

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