what rocks? (staring contests)

staring contests
(window to the soul vs. window to the soul)

why they rock: when adults have a disagreement, they sue each other. when kids have a disagreement, they compete in a staring contest; it’s basically litigation for kids. which method of conflict resolution seems more civilized? do the kids know something we don’t? after all, didn’t neanderthals settle their disputes with lawsuits? I distinctly remember learning about a certain unfrozen caveman lawyer (we miss you, dearly, phil hartman). advantage: kids.

why else they rock: too much of ages 1 to 18 is ruled by jockdom. staring contests, however, offer a chance for the underdog, the “little guy,” the archetypical “spaz/loser/dork” to settle the score. perhaps even “get revenge.” perhaps also even “implement subconscious highly-skilled methods of mind-control and thought implantation.” winning a staring contest requires poise, cleverness, creativity and anger; four adjectives that “spaz/loser/dorks” never seem to be running short on. take that, quarterback of the football team. 

seriously, what’s the deal with their rocking: the controversy…staring contest enthusiasts are split into two camps: those believe blinking and making facial gestures to get your opponent to crumble is legal and those who believe blinking or any other kind of gimmick is absolutely illegal. if you can’t figure out which camp you belong to please take the following baseball themed test to determine your allegiance:

who do you believe is the true single-season homerun king of baseball?

a) barry bonds! (you support blinking)

b) mark mcGwire! (you support blinking)

c) sammy sosa! (you support blinking and also corked bats)

d) roger maris! (you are a purist and find blinking to be abominable)

e) hank aaron! (wrong record, dude)

f) babe ruth! (you are a meddlesome contrarian and most likely a yankee fan who is frustrated that there correlation between money spent and wins is a murky one)

starting to remember how awesome staring contests are?
want to “bone up” on how to win more of them?
Wikihow gives us 6 tips to dominating your next staring contest:

1. take a nice long blink and close your eyes tightly right before the contest begins. this will produce tears that your eyes will need to keep moist. (staring contests, like sex and brownies, depend a great deal upon creating moisture. therefore, watch out for sexaholics, sluts and pastry chefs). 

2. think of something really sad while staring at your opponent. this will help stop you from laughing or smirking. (if you’ve been repressing a crippling childhood trauma for the majority of your life, now’s the time to get your money’s worth!)

3. remember to relax. too much stress will cause you to strain your eye muscles and could lead to eye strain (if you can acquire some potent and affordable marijuana, you’re starting much closer to the finish line than your sober counterpart). 

4. open your eyes really wide during the contest and, when you think you are about to blink, open them even wider. this goes against your natural instincts, but will actually make your eyes water, thus keeping them most (again we return to moisture, and again we must return to the sex analogy. it’s likely that with tip #4, men will display a major competitive advantage; when you start to get really close, it’s time to jump into the metaphorical cold shower). 

5. time yourself in the mirror and see how long you can hold it for. remember, practice makes perfect! (if you get bored with the self-staring contest in the mirror, practice making out with yourself. if arod does it, you can too!)

6. when you are about to blink, squint and furrow your brow. Again, this will produce tears and help to keep you staring for longer. (okay, i’m beginning to realize the immense possibility that the kids who were best at staring contests are now most likely the best lovers; from an early age they exhibited a precocious and copious amount of discipline, dexterity, and durability. crap, this is mildly disconcerting; my childhood nickname was blinky.)

want to learn more about staring contests but don’t have the patience to sift through scholarly works or sit through a documentary? then check out “unflinching triumph” a mockumentary that explores the little-known subculture of professional staredown contests.