Wednesday, May 27, 2009

how to succeed at...hide & seek:

hide and seek is a wonderful game which measures intellect, ingenuinity, attrition and boredom.
if you wish to add "dominant hide and seek skills" to your resume, here is a brief list of strategies that can be implemented to increase your ranking:

the hiders:
-use the restroom before engaging in competition. there's nothing that ruins a good hiding spot faster than a killer bladder.
-turn off your phone. catchy ringtones may be cool, but they can also be uncool giveaways.
-control your breating. if you're a mouth breather, try going nose. if you're an ashmatic, just quit.
-location, location, location? false. in the land of hide & seek, it's stealth, stealth, stealth. therefore, channel your inner tom cruise.
-nevertheless, location is important. so as the creepy dude in indiana jones says: choose wisely.
-avoid hiding under beds. unless your life is actually a 90's sitcom, this hiding spot sucks. (and, if you do live in a 90's sitcom, become great friends with the object of your affection; it will take years for him/her to realize that you should be more than just friends...but it'll happen).
-be honest with yourself. if you played offensive line in high school you shouldn't be hiding in that cranny behind the couch.
-where would waldo hide? amongst the commotion, that's where. part of waldo's talent comes from immersing himself in distraction. hide in places with many goings-on.
-dabble in the taboo: bathrooms, parent's room, underneath the electrical wiring.
-become as small as possible. curl into a ball, a piece of macaroni, a childhood version of yourself.
-while hiding, think of terrible traumas you have incurred throughout your lifetime. these sensitive memories will keep you quiet.
-under no circumstances may you laugh if the seeker passes you. (this is a strangely valid reminder).
-when you are finally found, claim the seeker has cheated. tell him the round is played "under protest." consequently, you remain undefeated.

the seekers:
-count down softly, use this time period to listen for clues.
-eyes on the prize. but also nose, ears, cheek and tongue. don't be afraid to use your senses.
-remember that you are harry potter and the hider is your golden snitch.
-try to rattle your opponent. slander him/her verbally as you seek, trying to get a reaction.
-use your resources; round up pets to cover more ground
-if you are struggling, pretend to quit. this will anger the hider.
-if you are playing with multiple persons, use those you have found to narc out others.
-don't give up. don't ever give up. your reputation, self-esteem and self-perception are riding on it.



  1. i must disagree with rule about not snickering as the seeker passes... i think that is really the best part of hide and seek. letting your giggles out is somewhat like declaring yourself the winner. if in the end you will call out the seeker as a cheat anyway, shouldn't you have as much fun as possible as the hider?

  2. If you have a cell phone in your possession, you shouldn't be allowed to play hide and seek.