Monday, June 29, 2009

where have all the good knock-knock jokes gone?

I haven't heard a solid knock-knock in years. I'm starting to get very suspicious. If anybody has any information about the possible whereabouts of the seemingly extinct knock-kock jokes, please alert the big-whigs of this website immediately. there are possible awards to be garnered.

be vigilant and show no haste.

Friday, June 26, 2009

top 25 fridays: "other" Michael Jacksons

where every friday we will delve, dissect and rank very important things.

today's top 25: famous "other" Michael Jacksons

(criteria includes: similarities to the white-gloved wonder, success within field and overall Michael Jackson-ness)

1. Michael P. Jackson - U.S. Deputy Secretary (in addition to a brief but wonderful stint as Deputy Secretary of the Department of Homeland security, this Michael Jackson hobknobbed his way into working for two presidencies (George H.W. Bush and Ronald "don't call me Pagan" Reagan. he eventually resigned effective October 26, 2007, "for financial reasons I can no longer ignore." apparently financial woes despite high-profile jobs is a theme among Michael Jacksons.)
2. Michael George Jackson – German Pop musician (a German born English singer-songwriter and the co-writer of the song, "Blame It on the Boogie". Jackson recorded and released his version of the song at the same time as The Jacksons. the press at the time enjoyed the similarity in the names and release coincidence, calling the situation 'boogie wars' as the two records jockied for chart positions. oh, how i miss the days of the boogie wars.)
3. Michael Ray Jackson – baseball relief pitcher (played with the Phillies, Giants, Reds, Astros, Mariners, Indians, Twins and White Sox. Jackson's best year in the majors was in 1998 with the Indians, saving 40 games with a 1.55 ERA. not the most athletic of the michael jacksons, but the most successfully athletic of the clan.)
4. Salman Raduyev (a.k.a. “Michael Jackson) - Chechen warlord (a Chechen separatist warlord considered to be one of the most radical and notorious Chechen rebel commanders of the period between 1994 and 1999. arrested in 2000, he died in a Russian penal colony in mysterious circumstances. in early 1999, Raduyev vanished from public again while undergoing a major plastic surgery in Germany, in effect acquiring a new face. The alleged implants of titanium earned him the nickname of "Titanic" in Russia, while in Chechnya he became popularly known as "Michael Jackson." nothing like a good nickname.)
5. Michael D. Jackson - post-modern New Zealand anthropologist (Jackson is the founder of existential/phenomenological anthropology, a sub-field of anthropology using ethnographical fieldwork as well as existential theories of being in order to explore modes of being and interpersonal relationships as they exist in various cultural settings throughout the world. urban legend claims that this apparently inspired the song “Man in the Mirror”)
6. Mick Jackson – director (directed the 1987 docudrama Life Story, with Jeff Goldblum and Tim Pigott-Smith. does anybody actually know what a docudrama is? better question: does anybody know why Jeff Goldblum isn’t helming a superhero series? Green Lantern anyone?)
7. Michael James Jackson - priest and Canon in the Church of England (i thought i'd be able to come up with a kickass Michael Jackson loves kids and priest loves kids jokes. but apparently i'm tapped. damnit. superbly disappointed with my AM creativity. damnit x 2.)
8. Michael Jackson - 18 December 173410 April 1801 (soldier from Massachusetts. Wounded at bunker hill. but seriously, who wasn’t injured at bunker hill. hell of a bunker. and hill.)
9. Michael Jackson, Jr – son of #8 Michael Jackson (lived miserably in Sr.’s shadow)
10. Naea Michael Jackson - Niuean journalist and former politician (he published the Tohi Tala Niue, Niue's government-owned weekly newspaper. what's in a name, anyway?)
11. Michael Dwayne Jackson – former NFL Wide Receiver (fun fact: Jackson is a member of Alpha Phi Alpha, the first intercollegiate Greek-letter fraternity established for African Americans. throw that on his tombstone.)
12. Michael A. Jackson - Sheriff of Prince George's County, Maryland (pursuant to Maryland Common Law, Jackson's position as the elected sheriff makes him the senior law enforcement official of his jurisdiction and his authority overrides all others.)
13. Mike and Michelle Jackson - Australian children's singer, songwriter, musician, radio show hosts (mike taught himself harmonica in high school and acquired a taste comic songs from his grandfather and the radio. he branched out onto other instruments and acquired a reputation for being able to get a tune out of almost anything.
14. Michael Richard Jackson - British television producer and executive (notable for being one of only three people to have been Controller of both BBC One and BBC Two. Jackson was at times criticised for relying more on US imports than home-grown material, with Ally McBeal, The West Wing and Sex and the City all arriving at the broadcaster during his time there. wait. so the US actually does export something? intriguing...)
15. Michael Warren Jackson - another former Major League Baseball relief pitcher(played from 1970 to 1973 for the Phillies, Cardinals, Royals and Indians. Jackson finished his career with a 2-3 record and a 5.80 ERA.)
16. Michael (Mike) Jackson - Canadian actor (Jackson is most famous for his role as Trevor on the popular comedy series Trailer Park Boys and the unnamed pimp from Hobo With A Shotgun. i prefer pimps without names to pimps with names. personal prefence.)
17. Michael Jackson – Bishop (has bishopped the Church of Ireland Bishop of Clogher since 2002. His father, Roy Jackson, was an archdeacon.)
18. General Sir Michael Jackson - former head of the British Army (he served in the NATO chain of command as a deputy to the Supreme Allied Commander Europe, General Wesley Clark. in this capacity, he is best known for refusing, in June 1999, to block the runways of the Russian-occupied Pristina Airport, to isolate the Russian troops there. ballsy gent.)
19. Michael C. Jackson - a British systems scientist (currently Professor of Management Systems and Dean of Hull University Business School.)
20. Michael “Mike” Jackson – fictional character (a recurring fictional character in the early novels by British comic writer P. G. Wodehouse, being a good friend of Psmith. he appears in all the Psmith books. Mike is a solid, reliable character with a strong sense of fair play, but an appetite for excitement and a stubbornness that often leads him into trouble. he is a keen and talented cricketer, and comes from a cricketing family.)
21. Michael Derek Jackson – former basketball player (in his NBA career, Jackson played in 89 games and scored a total of 188 points. he was a member of Georgetown's 1984 National Championship team...where he had a first-hand face-to-face glimpse at Patrick Ewing's nostrils on a daily basis.)
22. Michael Jackson – alcohol enthusiast (an English writer and journalist. he was the author of several influential books about beer and whisky.
23. Michael Jackson – former football player (played linebacker for eight seasons on the Seattle Seahawks. Jackson is also very active off the field with several charities including the March of Dimes, Special Olympics, and the United Way. the linebacking philanthropist; the movie writes itself. franchise anyone?)
24. Michael J. Jackson - English actor (Jackson made several appearances in the television series Highlander: The Series in 1996-1997. fun fact: in 1999 Jackson attended the Chronicles 1999 Highlander convention in Birmingham, United Kingdom. he took part in a Question & Answers session along with other cast members.)
25. J. Michael “Mike” Jackson – politician (born 20 August 1953. he is a Republican member of the Texas Senate representing the 11th District.)

Michael P. Jackson now carries the proverbial "name torch" (pictured below)

Monday, June 22, 2009

top 25 fridays: steroid using baseball players

where every friday we will delve, dissect and rank very important things. 

today's top 25: steroid using baseball players

(criteria includes: statistical prowess, muscular bulbousness, latent ‘roid rage and general hypocrisy)

1. Rafael Palmeiro (a ton of players lied to congress under oath about not using steroids. but palmeiro takes the cake for not being deemed “good” enough a ballplayer to warrant perjury charges. bonus points awarded for killer mustache, inspiring viagra commercials and telling fans he would provide an explanation for his positive test and then simply just never speaking publicly again…the baseball-cheating equivalent of breaking up with a girl by saying we need to talk and then ignoring her calls)
2. Ken Caminiti (he died for the cause. that takes balls. albeit shrunken ones, but balls none the less)
3. Jose Canseco (the joe mccarthy of steroids, but if joe mccarthy wasn’t full of shit.)
4. Sammy Sosa (fluent English speaker while not in front of congress. flummoxed by the wiles of the English language while in front of congress)
5. Mark McGwire (he’d be the centerfold for Enormous Head magazine, if such a magazine existed…)
6. Barry Bonds (…but it will never exist, due to Seriously, Fucking Enourmous Head magazine featuring centerfold barry bonds)
7. Roger Clemens (first player to bring ‘roid rage to a ballpark near you; chucking a bat at mike piazza and then trying the play the “what? I was just cleaning the field”-card)
8. Alex Rodriguez (the best player in baseball history to have zero fans)
9. Miguel Tejada (claimed to have been born in 1976 but a Dominican birth certificate showed that he was born in 1974. that birth certificate also shows the spelling of his surname as "Tejeda" rather than "Tejada.” My heart goes out to anyone who owns a foolishly spelled “Tejada” jersey)
10. Gary Mathhews Jr. (one can only imagine how disappointed gary matthews sr. must be)
11. Ben Levy (kid from my high school. 95% sure he used. wish i had stolen a sample of his urine from a sleepover to prove this once and for all. rumor has it he’s now a guidance counselor for a school somewhere in connecticut. way to go, ben!)
12. Manny Ramirez (player who looks most like the predator from the movie the predator. now lives in state where Schwarzenegger is governor. coincidence?)
13. Jason Giambi (nicknamed "the giambino," "the big g," and "the dancing bear." why would anyone not want to call him "the dancing bear?")
14. Paul Lo Duca (intimate bromance with steroid-provider chronicled in series of notes which include exclamation points and possibly invisible ink declaring “more than just bromance” feelings)
15. Andy Pettitte (proof that honesty is the best policy. check that; honesty and winning 4 world series is the best policy.)
16. Rick Ankiel (headcase pitcher + steroids = loveable power hitter)
17. Benito Santiago (definitely the best name of any steroid user. so fun to repeat. recommended to be included in any tongue twister.)
18. Brady Anderson (went from 16 homers to 50 yet is never publicly accused. i smell conspiracy? or is he protected because of his heart-throb sideburns and his cameo on sabrina the teenage witch?)
19. Jim Leyritz (from ‘roid rage to road rage to vehicular manslaugher to suicide threats. what's next? bated breath over here...)
20. Lenny Dykstra ('roided his way to the hall of fame…the douche bag hall of fame)
21. Scott Schoeneweis (most games ever pitched by a jewish pitcher. doing his best to proudly represent the chosen people)
22. John Rocker/Danny McBride (mcbride’s humor is like comedy on steroids – humungous and abrasive. so of course he’d play john rocker in john rocker story dubbed “east bound and down.” both guys have an, er, magical way with words) (this “two for one” courtesy of EW)
23. Gary Sheffield (“during a workout with barry bonds in 2001, a cream was applied to sheffield's knee by a trainer to help heal ripped stitches from a knee surgery. sheffield states in his book, Inside Power, that he had no knowledge of the cream containing steroids, and had no reason to assume so at the time.” wait. sheffield wrote a book? dude knows how to write? okay, fine, he probably hired a ghostwriter. but still…dude knows how to hire a ghostwriter?)
24. Matt Franco (the nephew of Kurt Russell juiced up for his own little escape from new york)
25. Ozzie Canseco (jose’s identical twin took sibling rivalry to the next level as both vied for steroid supremacy)
notable small ballplayers who suddenly bulked up and then just as suddenly bulked down: Brett Boone, Nook Logan, Greg Zaunn
notable guy who you should boo if you ever see him in public: Eric Gagne

why dreams sucks...

sometimes I have a really bad dream (i.e. nightmare, embarassing moment replayed, horrifying sexual fantasy involving model airplanes) and when i wake up i'm still riled up and upset from this terrible unconscious experience.

but then sometimes i have a totally awesome dream (i.e. infinite-sized house, swimming pool filled with foreign currency, dating a female leprechaun) and when i wake up i get riled that it wasn't real and i get upset about this wonderful unconscious experience.

that's why i try to shoot for mediocre dreams (i.e. waiting IN line at starbucks). but usually it doesn't work. and that's why dreams suck. (thanks for the correction, Cindy. Grammar is usually my most attractive quality.)

Sunday, June 14, 2009

what rocks? (pajamas)

(like a blanket…that you wear)
(popular clothing choice among bananas)

why they rock: it’s a scientific impossibility to put on pajamas and not be happier than you were before putting them on. whether nightwear, daywear, or the rarely used formalwear, pajamas are synonymous with feelings of warmth, euphoria and endless childhood. 

why else they rock: for further proving the brilliance, innovation and dominance of english-speaking nations. according to myth/wikipedia, the original paijama are loose, lightweight trousers fitted with drawnstring waistbands of south and west asia descent. enter the english: in typical bigger, better, badasser fashion, they add a top to the ensemble and re-invent the wheelhouse of pajamas to refer to a two-piece garment of exceptionally soft caliber. the highly-evolved pajamas prove way superior to the amoebic paijama. 

seriously, what’s the deal with their rocking: The Pajama Bar and Lounge is the ultimate late night hangout, where hip manhattanites congregate to relieve their 9 to 5 or more likely 9 to 9 woes with a bottle of beer, a room full of tunes and show up comfortably dressed in their most favorite and stylish pjs. unfortunately for the world, this place does not yet exist but the good people at tyranny rocks are looking forward to receiving your investments and advice on how to make this utopia a reality. 

Friday, June 12, 2009

top 25 fridays: best sly stallone movies

where every friday we will delve, dissect and rank very important things.

today's top 25: best sylvester stallone movies

(criteria includes depth of character, depth of character name, plausability of story-arc, asskicking and slow-motion action scenes)

1. demolotion man (taco bell is the only restaurant left after "the chain wars!" sex without touching!! commercial jingles have replaced radio!!! and bonus points for referring to the Schwarzenneger presidency)
2. rocky (the prequel to rocky II)
3. rocky IV (best training montage ever)
4. first blood (top action flick about a mentally unstable vietnam war vet with an awesome name)
5. cliffhanger (eat your heart out, passenger 57 and under siege)
6. tango & cash (an invincible buddy flick. great use of ampersand in title)
7. victory (stallone nixed the idea of using a professional player as a double for the game sequences. because of this, he seperated his shoulder and broke a finger).
8. stop or my mom will shoot (stallone's foray into family comedy)
9. nighthawks ("wulfgar, an international terrorist holds the city of new york hostage, but Deke DaSilva, the most dangerous cop known to man, can take him down." Sly proves to be only actor with chops to pull of name "Deke")
10. rocky II (apollo creed finally bites the dust)
11. over the top (underdog movie + arm wrestling + over the top acting + over the top title = classic)
12. rocky III (the forgotten middle child of rocky movies)
13. cobra ("crime is a disease. meet the cure." voted most likely to have a sequel but did not)
14. rambo (in the reboot, sly proves he's like a fine wine: better with age, and sounds kinda drunk)
15. rambo II/III (blurred into one long, forecefully badass, cool, gorey action film)
16. daylight (there's nobody i'd rather be trapped in a tunnel underground with than my main man)
17. F.I.S.T. (johnny kovak is a great stallone movie name. and F.I.S.T. is a great acronym)
18. assasins (stallone v. banderas. the roe v. wade of assasin movies)
19. oscar (when sylvester does comedy we laugh. or else...)
20. copland (amazing cast that goes nowhere. like the yankees with a-rod)
21. judge dredd (sick of being typecast as a cop, sly plays a futuristic cop)
22. paradise alley (apparently, directing was such a new job to Stallone on this project that several times, cast and crew were in position, ready to do their jobs but they could not. they could not because Stallone would forget to yell, "Action."
23. rocky balboa (good beginning, okay middle, terrible ending, godawful post-movie conversation)
24. driven/the specialist/get carter (the same barely watchable movie)
25. rocky V (garbage. but even garbage can be redeemed with a sweet roman numeral)
worst movie ever: antz

dare you disagree? comment below and give us your best...

Thursday, June 11, 2009

belated new years resolutions (6/11/09)

-climb mount everest. twice
-start rumor about secret 8th harry potter book
-start online dating service which only features people's old baby photos
-stare coldly at people who eat on the subway
-find ways to incorporate a magnifying glass into my daily life
-convince friend to buy not one, but two dogs. convince friend to name dogs "beebop" and "rocksteady"
-figure out how to create an iced-tea, iced-coffee combo. (market widely as iced-coftea)
-pioneer edible suntan lotion movement
-acquire chicken pox and infect brother. when he gets terribly sick, smile at him and say "now we're even"
-learn cartography and impress strangers by using the word latitutde in context

Jobby vs. Subways

look, the general concept of a subway is a great idea– an underground expressway of transportation. However, the general experience of riding the subway in NYC is one of the worst 15 minutes of my day. whether it’s the smoldering heat of being 15 feet below the ground, the lack of consistent trains during commuter hours, the general smell (which is a mixture of urine, booze and BO) or overpopulation of people in each car, i'm sure we can all agree that the subway is as close to hell's waiting room as you can get. so, since we're all probably equally as upset/angry/depressed/nauseated by this state of affairs, there are a few behaviors that can be curbed or amended to make these experiences a little better for all of us.

1. while waiting on the subway platform, please do not stand directly behind or next to me. there is plenty of space to the right or left. i do not hold the magic power to predict that the subway door will open up right in front of me.

2. in no way do I want to touch or rub up against you. why would you want to rub up against me?

3. if seated on a crowded train, please wait for the doors to open before you get up.

4. even though you are wearing headphones, we still hear the music coming out – just turn it down.

and while we're busy making the subway world a better place, here's a few thoughts for the geniuses behind this monstrosity:

dear MTA,
can you please let us know when the nearest train will arrive. it does us no good when someone gets on the microphone and says a downtown express train is approaching 42nd street. yes, i see it; it's right in front of me. and i know sometimes you like to mention when a train is one station away but how about a little consistency please. london has had an approximate arrival time ticker for years now. in fact, so does prague. i think even ancient rome had one of those tickers. oh, and nice try to the MTA guy at Union Square. just because you replay the same announcement over and over that doesn't count.

written by Josh "Jobby" Benedek, the editor of the "Jobby vs. The World" section where he will shed a light on everything that's wrong (and right) with the world. Josh is also the world's foremost nickname-giver. [josh is the ultimate warrior to the eastern side of the photo below]

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Jobby vs. Umbrellas

Ladies and gentlemen: when walking down crowded streets in the pouring rain, please make your best effort to avoid hitting others with your umbrella. Like most things in this country, the umbrellas today are bigger and better and as a result more and more people are getting plowed down. I'd like to also point out that some of these "modern umbrellas" have extremey sharp points. It's true, and yet there are bush league umbrella-holders out there who fail to realize they are basically carrying a spear. I recommend that if you see someone walking down the street with one of these harpoon umbrellas while on their cell phone, you should run as fast as you can away, go to a supermarket, buy a pack of marshmallows, and stick them on the end of the point. Society thanks you.

written by Josh "Jobby" Benedek, the editor of the "Jobby vs. The World" section where he will shed a light on everything that's wrong (and right) with the world. Josh is also the world's foremost nickname-giver. [josh is the ultimate warrior to the eastern side of the photo below]

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Jobby vs. NYC cabs

why is it that every nyc cab driver is obsessed with going on roundabout adventures? your job is to go from point A to point what the hell are we doing at point C? and how dare you give me that "no, don't worry, this is a shortcut" nod. i mean, we're on 33rd and Park and all i want to do is go to 18th and park, but all of the sudden we're galloping towards 1st avenue. really? listen, i understand this might be a totally awesome scam if i were wearing an I Heart NY shirt, but I'm wearing khaki pants and a collared shirt so let's try to keep it clean. okay?

written by Josh "Jobby" Benedek, the editor of the "Jobby vs. The World" section where he will shed a light on everything that's wrong (and right) with the world. Josh is also the world's foremost nickname-giver. [josh is the ultimate warrior to the eastern side of the photo below]


in each of my last 19.5 cab rides, the driver has been happily equipped with a blue-tooth in his ear. as he recklessly sweeps through the holy and potholed streets of the city with equal parts guile, grace and indifference, his blue-tooth conversation never ceases. not for a second. not even as he curses quickly in a language i'm unfamliar with. not even when we ram into the car in front of us as part of a five car pile-up. nothing can stop these guys from talking on their bluetooth and the casual demeanor that accompanies their infinite conversations.

but, what i want to know is who are these guys talking to? who possibly has the time to be on the phone with them all day? whose physical and emotional schedule can sync up with that of the blue-toothed cab driver? there is only one possible answer and that possible answer is erotic phone lines. i'm pretty certain of this. standard rates apply.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

what rocks? (home alone 2)

(the perfect summertime christmas movie)

why it rocks: women want him and men want to be him…how many times can you say that about a twelve year old? scene after scene, viewing after viewing, kevin mccallister isn’t afraid to take coolness to the next level. whether he’s clobbering the wet/sticky bandits, practicing his cannonballs or finagling the vacation of a lifetime at the plaza (on his parent’s dime), kevin faces each obstacle with his trademark confident curousity and an infinite  arsenal of zingers. His uncharted coolness led to a slew of imitators (blank check, duncan checks in, 3 ninjas) and everyone in-the-know knows that imitation is the highest form of rocking. 

why else it rocks: the posters and trailers would like for you to believe that Kevin is “lost in new york,” but at no point in the film does he exhibit the tell-tale signs of being lost; fear, dread, confusion, crashing on oceanic flight 815 and held hostage by de-facto members of the dharma initiative. no, never for a second does kevin let the situation overtake him. in fact, he remains exponentially calmer, cooler and collected-er than his parents. this makes kevin more than just a miniature james dean; he is someone and something that all children should strive to be. he is incapable of being lost because where he is, is where he is meant to be. one can only imagine that if children were forced to watch this movie every day for their entire childhood upbringing they would be more often comfortable with their surroundings. 

seriously, what’s the deal with it’s rocking: in home alone 2.0, kevin takes his scheming, scamming and chicanery to a whole new level. but he doesn’t do it alone. he relies on the wonderful services of his electronic sidekick: the talkboy. The talkboy is your basic run of the mill portable variable speed cassette player and recorder, except that it had a playback function that seemed to make it very easy for kevin to pretend to be using his father’s voice. The talkboy was originally conceived as a non-working prop for the movie but in 1993 it was made into a retail version, brought on by a massive letter-writing campaign by young fans of the film. Notable, several spinoff versions were created:

-A pink-colored "Talkgirl", marketed towards females
-Talkboy FX Plus, an ordinary writing pen with a built-in recorder and six buttons that play sound effects.
-Talkgirl FX Plus, also marketed towards females.
-Deluxe Talkboy.
-Talkboy Jr., a pocket-sized version of the recorder.

I spent the majority of my post-home-alone-2 years brining down the garbage, selling used crap and generally sucking up to my parents with the hopes of obtaining a coveted talkboy. by the time I finally had the funds to procure this wonderful futuristic device i was on the wrong side of puberty and walking around with a portable voice-changer would have relegated me to an even lower social strata. still, though, i begged my father to take me to caldor to make the purchase. i had it in my hand, finally about to be the proud owner of something i had wanted three years earlier and my father looked at me with green eyes and steel confidence and said “are you sure you want this?” i cracked, I gave up and put it back. i have never been satisfied with life since. 

one can only assume a movie of such top-caliber would lead to a super nintendo video game of such top-caliber as well, right? well, no, not at all, not even close. here's a clip from the terrible, terribly awful, video game:

Friday, June 5, 2009

top 25 fridays: best TGIF tv shows

where every friday we will delve, dissect and rank very important things.

today's top 25: best tgif tv shows
(criteria includes loveable characters, hilarious hijinx, and overall nostalgic value)

1. full house (if hearing the theme song doesn't whisk you off to a "happy place" then you are simply not a member of the human race)
2. perfect strangers (i've been trying to book a flight to meapos for years)
3. family matters (i still have nightmares centered around urkel. and i don't want to wake up)
4. boy meets world (age ten: lifelong dream is to have a sleepover with corey matthews and shawn. age 11: lifelong dream is revised to have a sleepover with topanga)
5. step by step (the boys made you laugh, the girls broke your hearts, the parents choked you up and cody rocked your world)
6. hangin' with mr. cooper (the greatest show about an nba-player turned substitute teacher in the annals of television)
7. sister, sister (twins seperated at birth never fails. it's just priceless, priceless stuff)
8. sabrina the teenage witch (clarissa continues to explain it all, except this time with a magic wand)
9. mr. belvedere (why was mr. belvedere such a snobby jerk. did he not realize he was a butler?)
10. just the ten of us (growing pains spinoff about famiy with eight children. six of them were girls. one can only assumed all dated mike seaver at one time or another)
11. baby talk (look who's talking ripoff. but tony danza (voice) + scott baio (love interest) = magic)
12. home free (underrated matt perry vehicle)
13. dinosaurs (jim henson dreamed up the concept for the show before he died. it's NOT a shame that he missed it...points for ballsiness though)
14. hi honey, i'm home (brilliant concept show gone awry. here's a summary from our good friends at the wikipedia factory: The series centered around a 1950s sitcom family, the Nielsens (who were named in reference to the Nielsen Ratings system), who were relocated by the "Sitcom Relocation Program" to 1990s New Jersey suburbia after their fictional series, Hi Honey, I'm Hom, stopped being rerun.Episodes focused on the Nielsens attempting to adjust to life in a new era while keeping their true identities a secret. The only regular character that knew the family's true identities was Mike Duff (Peter Benson), the son of the Nielsen's next door neighbor. The Nielsens had a special remote control called the "Turnerizer" (named after Ted Turner, the media mogul who colorized old movies for his networks) which allowed the family to switch between color and black and white)
15. the hughleys (d.l. hughley played a vending machine salesman. perhaps best tv job ever)
16. clueless (not a terrible adaptation. even turk from scrubs reprised his role from the movie)
17. camp wilder (it had potential: hillary swank, jerry o'connell, jay mohr, jared leto. yup, it had potential...)
18. where i live (for those of us that just couldn't get enough doug e doug in our lives)
19. brother's keeper (two and a half men except with the kid from liar liar)
20. billy (short-lived head of the class spinoff centered around an arranged marriage gone awry)
21. on our own (the black party of five)
22. aliens in the family (precursor 3rd rock from the sun. but a really, really bad precursor)
23. you wish (if you took everything that was good about alladin, this is what you'd be left with)
24. teen angel (teenager dies after eating a six-month old hamburger and comes back as an angel. gold! no, wait, not even bronze...
25. two of a kind (nothing beats two of a kind. no, wait. everything beats two of a kind). FUN FACT: the olsen twins appear first and last on our list.

honorable mention: odd man out

Thursday, June 4, 2009

fake interviews with devious people (god. part 1)

through a series of unwieldy bribes, the tyranny rocks crew had the chance to catch up with the lord and savior at his home in boca raton for an exclusive interview. the following is presented verbatim with no embellishments, inferences or extraneous alliterations. [portions of this interview may overlap with god's new autobiography, The Bible 2: What's the Deal with Piety?]

Tyranny Rocks: wow, thank you so much for having us here. it's an honor.
God: yeah, no problem. i haven't done one of these in a long time. few millenia. wow. time flies when...anyway, so i figured, you know, it's time.
TR: do you mind if i just dive right in, cut to the chase?
G: absolutely. go ahead. i'm not a big fan of small talk.
TR: me neither.
G: were created in my image
TR/G: [chuckles]
TR: so, end of sopranos: tony's dead, not dead, what's the deal?
G: jeez. first question. going for the jugular.
TR: you said you didn't like small talk...
G: no, i know. I did. okay, then. spoiler alert: tony's dead. i mean, all the clues are there. and the big enchilada is that flashback of the convo with bobby out on the lake. that's the clincher.
TR: so you have no doubt in your mind.
G: none. zero. i'm omnipotent.
TR: that's right. i always forget that. what's it like? being omnipotent and all.
G: it's good...for the most part.
TR: you seem ambivalent to your omnipotenence.
G: that's absolutely true. everyone thinks 'oh, god's omnipotent, that's so awesome, he knows everything, he's so cool' but let me ask you this: how much fun is the super bowl when you already know who's going to win. and not just that, you know who's going to win the next super bowl and the one after that. fyi: lions in 2016.
TR: never thought of that.
G: no one does. and don't even get me started on dating.
TR: what do you mean?
G: I mean, it's just, like, "too much information" around the clock. for every chick i date, i know who she dated before me, who she'll date after me, i know what she ate for breakfast today, what she ate for breakfast fifteen years ago and where and when she "disposed" of said breakfast. it ain't pretty.
TR: no, i imagine that'd be horrible.
G: i even went to see a hypnotist.
TR: what, to try and induce amnesia or something?
G: exactly!
TR: did it work?
G: it actually did. for about an hour. then the omnipotence just came back twice as strong.
TR: bummer.
G: yeah. anyway. enough about me and my damn omnipotence. what else you got for me?
TR: okay. let's return to that omnipotence thing, though. i'm intrigued. anyway, i'm sure a bunch of people would want to know which is the "true religion." is there a "true religion?"
G: i really can't say. gag clause. terribly sorry about that.
TR: no, no, i understand.
G: damn, i'm sorry.
TR: seriously, it's okay. but since you can't say, you do realize that every day people kill other people over this issue. wars are fought in your name. how does that sit with you?
G: honestly?
TR: always honestly, god...
G: honestly, then: i love it. i love it to no end. i know that makes me kind of a jerk, but i love it.
TR: you love it.
G: call me insecure, call me a sucker for entertainment, but it's really exciting.
TR: really...
G: imagine the feeling of having two women fight over you, except in this case it's two nations. and people are willing to die for you! it's a rush, man.
[at this point god notices my face and his gentle smile briskly turns into a nervous frown. he tries to peer at what i've been writing, but with all the journalist integrity i can muster in the face of the almighty, i cover up my notes.]
G: just kidding! i totally had you. did you believe that? if so, i can't believe you believed that. it was such a joke. such a joke.
TR: good gag, god.
G: alliteration!
TR: i love alliteration.
G: i invented alliteration, you know.
TR: really? that's great.
G: ever heard of the wheel? that was me.
TR: that was a good one. practical, yet shapely.
G: yup, yup. what else you got for me. my juices are flowing. i'm really getting into this...

please tune in next week for Part 2 of TR's exclusive interview with god.