what rocks? (carmen sandiego)

carmen sandiego
(ringleader of V.I.L.E.)
(crime vixen with an absurd amount of frequent flier miles)

why she rocks: since 1985, carmen isabella sandiego has been scampering around the globe, pilfering the world’s greatest relics, eluding agents from the esteemed ACME detective agency and then snickering in their faces. she’s cocky, crooked and cackle-some; she’s the whole package and after 24 years still remains at large. one is almost forced to wonder if, after 2.4 decades of failed attempts to apprehend a fictional femme-fatale, what chance do we really have at cornering mr. bin laden.

why else she rocks: what separates carmen from the other criminal kingpins of our generation (other than her gender) (and her most excellent trenchcoat) (and that sneakily stylish fedora) (oh, and also the eccentric habit of primarily recruiting goons with pun names like patty larceny, vic the slick and double trouble (twins)) is her motivation for wreaking havoc. few people realize (or more likely “remember”) that carmen used to be an ace detective for ACME but quickly found catching criminals too easy and decided that outsmarting ACME itself would make for a greater challenge. clearly she doesn’t do it for the glitz, the glamor, the money, the treasures, the video game royalties or the gameshow created in her honor, carmen does it for one reason and one two-word reason only: the thrill. 

seriously, what’s the deal with her rocking: not just anyone can start an international, unstoppable crime ring with a cool acronym. it takes stealth, smarts and most importantly it takes money. and for this reason, ms. sandiego is the embodiment of the american dream. as a girl with modest upbringings, carmen was noted for her dazzling redhair and severe precociousness. when she was ten years old, she parlayed these assets into entry on a game show called It’s a Wise Child (for those non-Catcher salinger fans, who some call the “true salinger fans,” yes, she did indeed participate on the same program as seymour, franny, zooey and the rest of the lot. some even say she had a “thing” with buddy). on this game show she won a substantial sum of money. she invested this money in herself, using it to travel extensively around the world, studying the criminal world and then starting an expansive thievery corporation (that’s a band, right? if so; can someone remind me what they sing, again?). basically, she did exactly what Christian bale did in batman begins, except she used her knowledge and powers for evil. say what you will about evil, but her rags to riches tale should be an inspiration to us all, particularly girls, bumbling thieves and people with last names of cities in california.

how do you know when you’ve really hit it big?

when a bunch of really white dudes sing about you in acapella!

check it out:

a short list of the more improbable items that carmen thieved:
-the great wall of china
-the la brea tar pits
-the panama canal
-the dead sea
-old faithful
-the great barrier reef
-all of idaho’s potatoes
-paris’ fall fashion collection
-all of the george washington faces from all the $1 bills in all of the world
-the voices of the vienna boys’ choir.

a short list of the men carmen has allegedly dated:
-judd nelson
-richard greico
-lyle lovett
-dan cortese
-thomas crowne
-keyser soze
-chris hardwick
-mark paul gosselaar
-mr. big (from sex and the city)
-mr. big (the guy who sings “to be with you”)