what rocks? (orange sour patch kids)

orange sour patch kids

(a sexy party in your mouth)

why they rock: year after year, fancy statistics claim that more americans are going to the movie theater. this may or may not actually be valid, but regardless it’s certainly not the flicks that are roping in the theatergoers (see: white chicks, wanted, the love guru). what is it then? is there a lurking variable among us? yes. it’s the candy that puts people in the theaters, more precisely the sour patch kids and even more precisely than that for those bigtime precision fans at home: it’s the orange sour patch kids. aka the most wonderful candy known to man, woman and children of all ages.

why else they rock: because they have a totally excellent slogan. that being:  “first they’re sour and then they’re sweet.” (i tried to vote for this as america’s next top motto, but unfortunately www.americasnexttopmotto.com does not quite exist…yet). it truly is a wonderful slogan. sour while being sweet? no, that would be an utter disaster. but sour and then sweet? brillant! it’s as if the candy gods knew me inside and out, as if they were appealing to my inner demons, my outer limits, my complex psychology: betray me with your sour and then win me back with your sweet. it’s the story of my life, but in candy form.

seriously, what’s the deal with their rocking: so we now know why box office figures have been skewed (take a bow, Taken) and we’ve scraped the surface of the freudian reasons why we so love the children of the sour patch, but the question lingers: what makes orange the flave o’ flave? well, it’s primarily a process of elimination. the yellow is too intense, the red is too wimpy and mild and the green is way too gangly and lanky. therefore, as the precocious and parentally-neglected goldilocks might say “the orange is just right.” also, it tastes the most like childhood.

further proof that the orange sour pitch kid has that “it” factor:  

things you probably didn’t know about sour patch kids:

-sour patch kids were originally called mars men (circa 1970)
-mars men were little aliens that were sold for one cent each
-in the mid-1980’s, mars men were renamed after cabbage patch kid dolls
-the yellow one looks strangely like mario lopez.
-sour gummi tape is a second cousin of the sour patch kids
-sour skittles are in no way related to the sour patch kids
-sour patch kids are more addictive than cocaine, heroine, and mario bros. 3 combined