Thursday, April 23, 2009

what rocks? (tom kruse)

tom kruse
(inventor of hoveround)
(married to catie holmz?)

why he rocks: how many scientologists does it take to re-invent the wheel? apparently none, just a dude with a phonetically identical name to the notorious religion/pyramidscheme's mascot. meet tom "valkyrie this!" kruse, the inventor, founder and CEO of hoveround, the personal mobility vehicle dynamo which owns approximately 4.5% of the power wheelchair market. how, you might ask, did hoveround snag such a respectable slice of the power wheelchair market? well, if you've ever been awake at approximately 3:00 am, the answer is remarkably simple: the infomercial.

why else he rocks:
kruse realized that the best way to make money is simply to "cut out the middle man." truly, american's go crazy for anything sans middleman. it doesn't matter what. i know, i'm one of them. in fact, just last week, this guy in a snazzy tie tried to sell me gardening tools and assorted gardening equipment. i told him no thanks, but he was one of those guys who pretends he doesn't know the meaning of the word "no" (i.e. future rapist). finally, though, his charm started to wear me down and he nearly clinched a deal after announcing that his prices were so insanely cheap because he was able to "cut out the middle man." despite the fact that i don't have a garden, haven't seen a garden in years, avoid people who have gardens and probably couldn't even pick a garden out of a police line-up, i still seriously considered taking up this man on his offer because the idea of getting something without a middleman involved is rather intoxicating. and it's this kind of middlemanless genius that has turned many geriatric frowns upside down.

seriously, what's the deal with his rocking:
it all started with a vision. it's unclear whether this was a literal or metaphorical vision. regardless, in 1994, when tom cruise was off shooting Interview With The Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles, the tom kruse committed to enhancing the overall quality of society thought "let's build a [motorized wheel]chair that can go anywhere that someone can walk." while attending the prestigious university of south florida, kruse became concerned that his mother couldn't properly manuveur her wheelchair through the hallway. so he came up with a concept for a smaller, round, super-maneuverable wheelchair that could “turn on itself" and built the first hoveround electric wheelchair in his garage [why does it seem that most life shattering inventions (and bands) are invented in garages? is it the fumes? the funny garage doors? the inspiration of small spaces? it's the fumes, isn't it]. with a dream to change the way the world wheels and improve his mother's manaveuring skills, on june 28, 1994, kruse decided to bypass the medical equipment dealers who were often committed to other products. he started selling his electric wheel chairs directly to consumers. and the rest is history, a very profitable history, a very profitable history in which elderly woman can roam around the pinnacle of the grand canyon.

The 1st annual Cruise Cup
(where two men with similar last names square off to the death).

-tom kruse is a self-proclaimed entrepreneur
-tom cruise played an self-conscious entrepreneur in "Vanilla Sky."
winner: kruse (because the spanish version of vanilla sky was way better)

-based on an hour of shoddy internet research it is unclear who tom kruse is or was married to. in fact, he may not believe in marriage at all. he may consider the institution archaic.
-based on a lifelong, unavoidable tom cruise entertainment education, it is quite clear that cruise was once married to mimi rogers.
winner: cruise (because he was married to mrs. kensington from austin powers)

-tom kruse has never jumped on oprah's couch.
-tom cruise has indeed jumped on oprah's couch.
winner: kruse (because jumping should be reserved solely for trampolines).

oh no! times's up!

let's tally the votes...

well, it looks like the winner of the first annual cruise cup is...tom kruse (2-1).

stakes: kruse deserves to retain all rights to the name, including the much coveted verb rights (i.e. pulling a "kruse" means doing something that makes people over the age 65+ exceptionally excited). the actor formerly known as tom cruise should therefore be forced to commit harikari or, for all future "acting" performances, cruise should be forced to play only his character his character from tropic thunder. regardless of genre.

1 comment:

  1. Same but Different!.. (rip off!)

    Back off Tom K. He's the man